No Words Just Feelings

Disguise

I'm backkk ;)

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Some friends of mine are trying to get me with this guy and...
I don't really feel comfortable starting a connection with someone. I'm still trying to.. do something.

Find myself in this pile of mess. The mess that I made. I mean it could take weeks or possibly months. I'm trying to tell them that I'm not in the mood for relationships but I'm just unsure.

All of this, my life, has been an uncertainty to myself. I've always been unsure on what to do. On how to live my life and I have a bad feeling from that.

I wanted to please people and I guess I've done that for so long now that I forgot how to please myself. How to make myself happy.

I've forgotten how to live without people tracing my every move. And with this world that I'm living in.. It's a wonderful world, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel right in it.

I believe I'm going crazy when I think of death. When I think I might not live for tomorrow. That every time is the last time. That maybe I won't be able to live it like I did today.

I think of how my view of the world might change without me in it. I think of how crazy it must be that maybe the world will be a better place without me in it.

I'd like to think I'm going insane rather than admitting it out loud.

I find it scary how fast I can go from crying my soul out to putting a version of happy me. I just change in a second.

Long time ago, I think a month or so, I was crying. My lip quivering, my body aching, and my mind running wild. But then I told myself that people are downstairs, my parents, waiting for me. I don't want them to wait. So I stood straight and bit my lip. I balled my hands into fists and closed my eyes.

I calmed myself down saying that no one shall see me like this.

The moment I reopened my eyes, I saw how different I was. How the type of person I showed on the outside was definitely not me. At all.

I realized that I have been in this type of business for so long now. Earlier in life, maybe like 3 or 4th grade, I noticed my mind started to get a bit off track. Being me, I simply just brushed it off thinking that it's just gonna past over time.

Now, years later, I see that it's getting worse. It's spreading.

One day, I feel like I'm just going to blow up.

I'm a person who's... quite different from others. Who keeps locking up everything. Absorbs everything. And once I start to blow up, everyone will runaway. Just like how I thought they would.

No one will stay. No one will come back.

You know, I have this feeling I'm going to be okay alone but I know that I'm working towards that.

I'm working towards to be able to breathe properly and fully. I'll be able to do so many things but I have to work towards them.

I think I'll be okay alone. I believe I'll be okay alone.

I know I'll be okay.

It just needs some time. Some time to adjust.

It's like stepping into a bright room for the first time. Your eyes take time to adjust to the light and that's what I'm doing.

I'm stepping into a new me and my life has to take time to adjust.

I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready to get out of my cast. To get out of my disguise.

This disguise that has been glued to me since forever. I've finally found a way to peel out of it.

Thank goodness because I thought I won't ever be free.

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Have you ever had a disguise? Do you wish you had a disguise? Leave those answers in the comments :))

Happy Wednesday lovess
-Haely