No Words Just Feelings

July 17th 4 am

I feel like crying. I want to feel that weight off my shoulders. That's what happens when I cry usually. I just want to cry and be able to not think so much for once. I want my mind clear and I want to just sit in a corner. I don't want to remember anything.

I just want to be alone. Sleeping isn't really working for me. Well I love sleeping and it helps. It really does but when I try to go to sleep it's hard to. Like my mind just wants to think and be active. All that oh wonder and Sam smith music I usually play for an hour so I can go to sleep is not really working for me today. That soft music helps me think but I don't want to think right now. That's why I'm playing remixes and upbeat music really loud. About 5 bars under the max. I have the bass up so it doesn't hurt my ears.

Why can't I be that type of person where they could just enjoy life and be happy and just worry about what's going to happen tomorrow. Or even better their future. But like no I'm not that person. I never was and I know I never will be. Knowing the state im in. I'll probably never get out.

I hear all about recovery and how beautiful it is but what the hell is recovery. I can't get out of this hell hole. I will never get out. I want to climb out but all the memories and all the voices and all the thoughts come back and I don't want that. It's too hard.

People don't understand anything. They think they know me but they don't. That's mostly my fault but I just wish everyone would understand how tough it is to go through this. Those people who complain about their lives when they have a beautiful life in front of them piss me off. They don't know. They don't know anything. People like me have to go through many tough things while others have everything good. I guess we are the people who balance out life.

Why did I get this life? What did I do to deserve it? Did people think I was tough enough to deal with this? Or did they just want to watch me go insane by the day and break into a million pieces.

Everyone who has a beautiful life is lucky. They have a future infront of them. They have dreams. Then there's me.

I don't even know my future. Let alone I can't even think of it. When I try there's nothing. Nothing whatsoever. I don't know what I'll be doing in a few years let alone tomorrow. I don't know what I'll be when i grow up. I have a hard time dreaming. It's hard for me to get dreams now and days. People don't understand. I know it isn't their fault. I know it isn't. But could maybe they get a hint of what it's like. Maybe they could get a hint of my life and I could get a hint of theirs. That would be so much better balance.

I don't know what to do anymore. I fight everyday. I want to see the sun rise in the morning. I love to see the sun set at night. But it's hard to when you question about your life every second. Will i be able to see the sun rise tomorrow morning? It's hard not to question your every move.

It's hard to talk to people. Scared that you'll say something bad and scared they'll see through the fake you plastered on you. Scared that they'll witness you break. Break right in front of them. Its hard to focus on what they're saying because they might say something that will hit you unexpectantly and you'll start crying.

It's hard to even get words out when you're scared of all those things that might just happen in a snap of your fingers. Every fear has a likely chance. All of this terrifies me.

One of them happened recently. It was on the 14th. I just suddenly cried in front of a family member. When you are scared of all your fears happening suddenly you get this rush of thoughts. The thoughts the voices the memories never stop. I have gained power to block out those things but then that day I accidentally let my guard down. Due to that the thoughts came in non stop. Then I just broke. I couldn't stop myself. I just cried and went to another room.

All these possibilities of my life flashed in my mind. They weren't good ones at all. My parents divorcing after a big fight that I caused. That was the worst one and it just stayed in my mind unlike the others. My parents are a big thing to me and I just don't want anything happening between them and I. I want our family to stay together and be able to live life knowing that we love each other.

I want to stay together no matter what. I want to stay together until death. And even when they die I know I can visit them and we'll still be together.

I think my parents are the ones that help me get through this. Because even with the worse memories and voices and I start thinking about.. Ways to die.. I think of them. I think of how different they'll be. I'll think of how much I have impacted their lives by taking away mine. And now that i really say it and really think about it, if I die then I'll break my promise of our family staying together.

All i wanted was us to stay together but I ended up leaving them. I'm the only child they have. I'm the only child. It's just me and them. That's my biggest fear I believe. The fear of separation.

I want my family to stay together. I want that moment at our dinner time where we all talk about our days to pile up. I love that moment. That's my favorite part of the day. Where we can all relax and eat our dinner in the comfort of the house. In comfort of the news playing on the tv. Every single day of the school year is like that and I love it because those little moments like those help me keep my promise.

My promise of us staying together. I try my hardest to not be the one breaking that promise by leaving them. I really hope they don't break the promise either.

My parents know nothing about my personal life. They know about my studies and that's it. My parents have no idea what I'm going through. They don't know the promise.

I want them to know about the promise but I don't feel like it's the right time. It's 4:37 am already and I should go to sleep.
I'm so glad I got that out. It felt as if one of the chains holding me down was broken. It feels nice. Goodnight xX

••••
Ok so that was one of my bonus chapters where I talk about my actual life! It feels really good to write about it.
The date and time that I titled this chapter is the real date I wrote this so yeah :) (sorry about the bad editing and grammar. It was late that night and I just wanted to vent out. So that basically what these bonus chapters are; vent chapters)
I decided to update this book this week since I have a chapter ready! If you read Choices as well, I won't update it to later this week I think. Anyways, Happy Wednesday!
-Haely <3