HEEJAKE • HAVING YOU NEAR ME

xvi

Don’t speak too much
Of what’s been going on

///~~///

Friends.

It was one of the reason why he stood beside Heeseung, thinking they were at least friends. It was enough for Jake, but turns out they were not even friends.

They were nothing other than acquaintances who fucked each other whenever they want. That’s what they were.

Once he regains his composure, Jake gathered the remaining strength and courage in him and rose from the floor. He cleaned the empty bottles of beer on the table while Heeseung only watch him silently. Jake didn’t say any words as well and just left the Heeseung’s house.

They were nothing, after all.

Nothing.

With tired eyes and slumped shoulder, Jake began walking away.

///~~///

Heeseung was once again on his own, as always.

People dared to stay, making promises and such but in the end, they always leave. Things end the same way but the pain struck different. Each person left different marks, those closer to him makes a deeper cut.

But Heeseung knew it was his fault. He was never good enough at anything, like how his parents described him. He was not someone worth for attention and care. He was the reason why Jake left.

He delivered the message wrong, he delivered his feelings wrong.

He should’ve not made Jake felt used.

But he was afraid. Afraid that things with Jake will end up like how his relationship with Sunoo ended. He was friends with Sunoo. He was friend-zoned and left alone broken. It was long ago and Heeseung has completely moved on…with the help of Jake.

Somehow, Heeseung have realized that things with Jake is like a repetition of the past. He was friends with Jake, too. The thought of Jake seeing him just a friend too scared him.

So he did the first thing his stupid mind has thought of, have sex with Jake.

Heeseung thought that the first night they shared together will be the end of their relationship. He knew he fucked up. He thought Jake would never dare see him again, but after quite some time, Jake still shows up.

He was confused as to what pleasure he has for Jake to continue answering his calls, and Jake’s answer to that was something that made Heeseung felt more scared.

“We’re friends, Heeseung-hyung.”

Jake kept telling him they were friends, the most dreading word for Heeseung.

FRIENDS.

He despises the word too much that every time he hears it coming out of Jake’s plump lips, he was losing control of himself.

Having sex with Jake will make him leave sooner, Heeseung always thought but he was very wrong. Jake kept coming back, persistent to continue their friendship while Heeseung was left falling in love deeper into his kindness.

When Jake confessed to Heeseung that he was in love with him, Heeseung felt everything but happiness.

It’s funny how he searched for Jake’s love and suddenly he doesn’t want it anymore. It just felt so wrong. All he gave Jake was bruises and ugly scars. He doesn’t deserve his love, not even the kindness.

The person he followed all day long isn’t Sunoo, it was Jake.

He was there on a corner witnessing everything that happened on his birthday party. He saw how Jake’s family treated him like a prince on his special day. The circle of friends surrounding him made him laugh and happy. They spoil him in that span of short time and Heeseung have seen how Jake’s eyes sparkle in happiness.

The kind of happiness that Heeseung never seen in Jake’s face whenever they are together. Jake’s life was perfect and Heeseung realized he was only ruining it.

He knew there are many better people out there who deserved Jake’s kindness more than him.

He wanted Jake to leave but at the same time he wanted the younger boy to stay.

Heeseung just felt unworthy of anyone’s attention, especially Jake’s. And at the same time, he was jealous. He wanted Jake to be his, only his.

Hot tears once again left Heeseung’s eyes, wetting his once dried cheeks.

i'll disappear for a whole day. i'm seeing svt, byee!