Complete Chaos

040

It was 4:35 am, and Melody was still crying.

Julia woke up at 4 am to feed her, and right after, Melody began to cry. Julia took Melody to her room, not wanting to wake Steve up with their daughter's loud cries.

The little girl's face was bright red. She didn't rest to breathe. Julia didn't know what to do. Melody's cries were more high-pitched and urgent sounding; it didn't sound like her regular cries.

Julia wasn't feeling well. She was hungry, tired, sad, stressed, and overwhelmed. The young mother didn't know what she was doing wrong.

Julia did everything she could think of. She tried feeding her again, but Melody wasn't hungry. Her diaper was clean. She even changed her clothes, thinking she might be too hot, but nothing seemed to work.

The girl continued to cry as her mother rocked her back and forth. Julia carried her daughter facing her. "What's wrong? Please tell me," Julia begged as she was on the verge of crying and pulling her hair out of frustration.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, not wanting her emotions to get the best of her. "I don't know what to do," she revealed to her crying daughter.

It was obvious her daughter didn't understand her. Julia knew she wouldn't respond to her either, but she wanted to sleep.

The young mother wanted her daughter to feel safe with her, and she felt that with her daughter crying, Melody didn't like her, and she wasn't comfortable in her own mothers arms.

She wanted to be a good mom. Her mind was clouded with negative irrational thoughts.

A sleepy Steve walked into the room. "Do you want me to take care of her while you try to rest." He moved his arm upward, stretching.

She shook her head, looking at her crying daughter. "I can do it." She wanted to do it on her own. Julia began to walk back and forth. It didn't matter how she carried Melody or what she did, but the one-month-old wouldn't stop crying.

What was she doing wrong?

She was desperate, wanting to know what she could do to calm down her daughter.

Why couldn't she be a good mom?

She's supposed to know what to do in moments like this. Where were her motherly instincts? Moms are supposed to know what to do; isn't their job to be perfect?

Even in his half-asleep state, Steve could tell how tired and stressed Julia was. He walked closer to Julia and placed his hand on her arm, making her stop moving.

She stared at him, shaking slightly, her eyes watering. "I can do it," she whispered.

"Let me carry her, Julia," Steve said carefully.

He took Melody from Julia's embrace. Melody rested in her fathers arms.

He began to hum a lullaby. Melody moved her head towards Steve's voice. It took him a little longer than other times, but within seven minutes, Melody calmed down.

Julia loved how Steve was able to calm Melody down. She loved the connection the father and daughter had, but that was her final straw to break down.

"I'm not a good mom," she sobbed. All her negative thoughts and all of her insecurities came to the surface.

"Julia, what are you talking about," Steve asked, confused.

He placed a now-sleeping Melody in her crib. Julia stood in the middle of the room, her arms on her side as she continued to cry.

She hated being weak. She hated being emotional, but more than that, Julia hated how she couldn't be the perfect mom she thought she would be. Her expectations of herself were too high; she couldn't keep up.

He turned around to face Julia, who brought her hands to her face and silently sobbed into them.

"Come here," he said softly and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"You're the best mom. Melody loves you so much." She moved away from his embrace "she loves you." She hated how hurt she sounded.

"I'm only the woman that feeds her. If it weren't for that, she wouldn't even need me."

Julia was trying her best to be a good mom, but there were days when it was hard. There was nothing to complain about; she shouldn't complain.

Melody had a mother and father that loved her so much they would do anything to see their little girl smile.

Julia was doing everything in her power to put Melody first. There were days when she had no time to shower or pee in peace because Melody needed her. She wouldn't change it for the world, but she put too much pressure on herself. She was exhausted, but then guilt popped up. Making her feel like her emotions were not valid and she was only going crazy. Her mind was complete chaos.

"That's not true. You need to stop being so hard on yourself, Julia."

He walked closer to her again and placed his arm on her shoulder. She looked at the floor, avoiding looking at him.

Steve put two fingers under Julia's chin and lifted her gaze to meet his eyes. Their faces were only a few inches apart.

"You are her mother. She will always need you but remember that you can take a break. You can ask for help. We are a team, Julia. You are not alone."

"I feel if I ask for help, it will make me look like a bad mom, like I can't take care of my own daughter," she confessed.

"You love Melody. You're patient and kind with her; you put her needs before yours, Julia. You are a great mom. It's up to you to believe that."

She stared at his beautiful brown eyes and tilted her head to the side; a smile formed on her face.

They had been through a lot in the last few months; he was the best friend and partner she could ever dream of having.

She knew he was the father she wanted Melody to grow up with, and she wanted to spend forever with him.

"I love you," she admitted.

Life works in mysterious ways. Both teens didn't talk much in high school; their paths barely crossed, then Halloween happened, and they started to spend more time. Julia didn't expect to have feelings for Steve. He was cute; she wouldn't deny that but to have strong feelings for him to love him this much was not on her plan.  

He leaned his forehead on hers, and with a soft smile, he said, "I love you, Julia."