In The Bird Song | TWD

chapter 17 - Forever and always

The trembling won't stop. I've been buried for what must have been days now though I can't be sure as the sun doesn't reach me here and I'm constantly slipping in and out of consciousness. This is not fair. I am ready to die I want to die so why is my body stubbornly keeping my heart pumping and my blood flowing. If my arms were not trapped and I had a knife I could have just stuck a blade through my temple and be done with everything. It would have been so easy I think wistfully.

It can't be much longer now I reason because I've not drunk anything in days nor have I eaten anything. My dry and raw throat along with my persistently rumbling stomach are my constant companion on my journey to death.

I want to be in Michonne's arms, I want her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I realise now I took Michonne's constant support since I met her for granted. It was strange at first to care so much for an adult, it was something Id never experienced before. Michonne has been watching out for me since I was shot and she dragged me out of deaths arms and into her own. If only she could do the same thing now.

In the beginning I thought our relationship was that of friends but somewhere along the way it grew from that. I have never had a parental figure in my life because I never needed one, me and Enola had a series of foster parents but we weren't close with any of them. looking back I think some of them might have been keen on filling the role of a parent for us but they never could.

I think they failed because of how close me and Enola where. We had become the only family the other would need and only trusted each other. Without knowing it Enola and I were probably stopping a deep emotional connection from forming with anyone else which is likely why I have never had a parental figure in my life before. In a way Enola filled the roll of parent, sister, and friend all at once and I filled those same roles for her. It may not have been healthy but we did the best we could with what we were given and for a long time our system worked.

But then everything was destroyed after Enola was attacked and no matter how much I wished I could I wasn't able to repair the damage. After her assault Enola pulled away from me and drew further into herself to dark places where I could not follow. We still loved each other just as much but our bond was strained and I knew I could never truly understand Enola the way I could before and she wouldn't want me to understand anyway because understanding would mean I lived through what she had.

Then Enola killed herself and I was alone in the world for what I thought would be forever. Just because Enola was gone didn't mean I instantly started letting people in to try fill the void that she once occupied. I became cold and distant from everyone else in my life, I couldn't deal with peoples sympathy and I didn't want to hear there kind words so instead I started ignoring people and I blocked out there voices. Fits of anger would come over me randomly throughout the day causing me to scream and lash out even if I was in public. Mrs berry tried to talk to me but I through her efforts back in her face, I remember one particular incident where I drove her to tears with my verbal assault and I felt no remorse for it.

I like to tell myself that I killed Enola's rapist because I didn't want him to attack others but I know that's only a half truth. I killed him because I wanted to. I killed him because I thought It would make me feel better like his death could somehow fill the hole Enola left.

After I went to prison, I considered killing myself almost daily but I could never bring myself to do it. I didn't have the guts back then. I got into fights with the other girls in prison loosing just as many as I won. At some point I stopped getting into fights defending myself and I started to seek out a fight just to feel something. I wanted bruises to coat my body. I wanted the broken bones and black eyes I was desperate for it I thrived on it.