His lips were soft at first, before a roughness took over and he pressed his body to mine. My hands instantly go to his hair as he cups my cheek with his hand as the other turns into a fist next to my head.
A sigh leaves his mouth, like this is som...
"For you I would ruin myself a million little times." -Taylor Swift
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I'm outside my mum's house once more. It's been a few days since the party, and I thought it was time to revise my mum and clear out any problems we have.
I knock on the door and as much as I'm dreading this conversation, I hope she's home. After a few minutes, the door swings open and mum's eyes land on me. She freezes at first before looking behind me.
"Your bodyguard's not here." She jokes and I try to laugh, but it comes out like a sore cough. "Come in." She says, stepping away from me and holding the door open wider.
"Thanks." I say, my voice barely a whisper. She hums in response. I stand awkwardly at the door, my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. I clear my throat. "I wanted to talk." I told her. "And, I know you blame me for what happened with dad. Trust me, I blame myself, too. And, I would rather you be honest with me than lie and say that everything is okay, when it is not."
Mum nods her head slowly, leading me to the living room. She sits on an armchair and I sit opposite her, on the sofa. "Erm... me and your dad... we loved each other, you know?" She says, and I nod my head. "And, for that to be taken away from me so easily for him to be taken away from me, so young-"
"Taken from both of us, mum." I say, and she swallows.
Calmly, she says, "You started the fire, Leona."
My breath is shaky as I flashback to that night, and I close my eyes, willing the images of my dad's burned and bloodied body away. I look away from my mum's pained expression, slowly placing a hand over my mouth. Tears prick my eyes, and I shake my head. Sniffing, I say, "It was an accident."
"Was it? You were mad at him that morning." She says, raising her eyebrow. "The police may have believed you, but the rest of the family doesn't."
"I don't care what everyone else thinks, mum." I say, sternly. "Do you believe me? Do you believe that the fire was an accident?" I tilt my head at her. She swallows, staring me dead in the eye.
Then, oh so slowly, she shakes her head. My heart drops. I feel the tears slowly flow down my cheeks and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. "Great." I mumble, turning away from her. I hear her sigh, and I shake my head. If this is pain, I'm not sure I can recover from it. Slowly, I stand up and pull my shirt down, glancing over to my mum.
She looks away from me, and I finally understand. She'll never believe that it was an accident. She'll never come to terms with what happened with dad. There's no point in trying to fix things with her, because she's too heartbroken to understand that I'm still her daughter, and I made a mistake that I wish I could take back. She'll never understand that she could've killed me that day if I hadn't locked myself in the room and called for help.
"Goodbye, mum." I say, for the last time. I turn around and walk out of the living room and out of the house. I don't look back and I don't wait for a response as I walk all the way to my car. I drove away, and I don't regret it.
Letting go doesn't mean that I stopped caring. It means I stopped forcing my mum to. It's easier to walk away if all she did was look for faults in me when I overlooked all of hers. And, if you love someone enough to let them go, it shows who the stronger person is. I'm glad we both got the closure we needed, and were able to finally be truthful to each other, even if the words were only from my mum's side. Now that I've finally let go of the illusion that it could have been any different, I'm finally able to walk away.
My heart will hurt and hurt and hurt, until one day... it doesn't. One day, she'll just be a memory, and I'm totally fine with that. I won't break down and sob, I won't beg for her to forgive me, I won't be on her doorstep asking for a little leniancy. I'll learn to survive by myself just fine.
***
Prima is packing.
When I get home, there's boxes near the sofa. Prima finally decided to go to the states. Even though she isn't leaving for another two weeks, she's posting her stuff to her new apartment to get it ready.
Luke is here, helping her box up her stuff. His ginger hair peaks out from behind the door of Prima's room and I see his arms around her, comforting her. Her head is buried on his chest, and I suddenly feel sorry for her. I know it's hard for her to leave, but she's doing what's best for her.
I slowly approach the door to her bedroom, knocking lightly. They both look up and I smile as they pull me into the hug. "Hmm. I'm going to miss you, Prima." I say, squeezing both her and Luke tighter. "But, I'm so excited for you." I say, and I hear her chuckle in between her tears.
"You know, goodbyes are part of life." Luke adds, his chin resting on top of Prima's head. "And we all know that we'll meet again one day in the future." He says.
"How am I supposed to do life without you two?" Prima says, and I stroke her thick, dark hair.
"You'll be fine." I told her. "As long as your new friends aren't as great as us, I'll make sure to visit you whenever I can." I told her. Prima moves back, her hands on both me and Luke's waists.
"I don't think anyone comes close to you." She says, and I smile sadly, wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes. And then, we're hugging again, holding each other tighter.
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