Never Knew I Needed (Chaelisa)

Chapter 17

I lie in bed for hours, above the sheets as it's a little warm in this room, and drum my fingers against my abdomen where my hands lie on top of my button down sleep shirt. I don't usually have sleep clothes, preferring boxers and a bra, or even to sleep naked, but I know my family has just walked in unannounced in earlier years, and so I don't really feel like doing that again, so I can deal with a sleep shirt and boxers for a night.

Anyway, I stare at the ceiling, counting away the minutes as they pass because I just can't find the sleep I want. I don't need it because I'm wide awake, but I'd like it to come to me at some point as my mind's racing a mile a minute, thoughts of blonde hair, brown eyes and terrifying feelings invading my brain, and I don't want to have to keep thinking about it. All of my thoughts for the past five months have just been Rosé, Rosé, Rosé and it's just irritating. They're only growing, increasing with intensity, and I hate that I can't figure anything out because I'm just too scared to.

If I just forced myself to come up with some type of conclusion, I wouldn't have to be putting myself through this.

My thoughts are swiftly interrupted by the sound of floorboards creaking right outside my bedroom door, and I bolt upright, back straight as a pole and eyes wide as they lock on to the space between the floor and the door, revealing the smallest slither of light from the bathroom. I must have forgotten to turn it off. Though I'm glad I did, because as I stare, my eyes narrowing, I watch a shadow appear outside, a pair of feet casting darkness where light should be and I wait, hushing my own breath as it's loud in my ears as I wait for whoever is outside to come in.

Except they never do.

Moments pass, minutes even, and I don't know who's outside (although I have a pretty good idea who) but they finally disappear, the sound of soft footsteps padding down the carpeted hallway, away from my bedroom. And I can't help myself as I throw my legs off the side of the bed, push off the mattress with balled fists and creep over to the bedroom room, opening it slowly and wincing when there's a slight creak, before pulling it open and step outside into the hallway.

And that's when I find her. Rosé, tip-toeing back toward her bedroom, wearing small pajama shorts and a tank top, and I feel myself smiling and calling her name before I know it. "Rosie?"

Rosé spins around, eyes wide like she's been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"Rosie, are you okay?" I whisper, my eyes meeting hers and she looks behind her, back toward her bedroom door, hesitating in an answer.

"Yeah, I just—" she starts and warily glances back at me, rubbing her left hand up her right forearm where it lies straight against her side. I shift, curious to the nervous gesture. "I couldn't sleep," she continues and I tilt my head to the side, unable to fight the idea that maybe she couldn't sleep for the same reason I couldn't. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," I blurt out, pulling my lips down and baring my teeth at the volume of my voice. Shit. I need to keep it down. "Whoops," I let out through a soft chuckle and Rosé grins at me. "I mean, you didn't wake me," I repeat, this time with my voice low and I take one step down the hallway, my eyes flicking to the left as if to look back to my bedroom. "Do you wanna..."

I can't seem to finish my sentence, the words trailing off because I want to ask her to come and sleep with me, but I also know with my latest epiphany that I probably shouldn't. I don't want to make things more complicated than they are, even though I'm not sure they could be at this moment, but I just don't want to run the risk. I've protected myself and Rosé for too long, tried to make this work for too long, just to give up and give in.

Though I think she already knows what I want to ask, what I want, because she comes toward me slowly, stopping about a meter away from me and stares me in the eye, wetting her lips and sucking them into her mouth, her brows creasing and face twisting in thought.