Never Knew I Needed (Chaelisa)

Chapter 27

I know I need some type of closure, and for some reason, I think it's a good idea to start by going everywhere that Rosé and I went, to see if I can still feel what I did when I was with her.

So I go to Miami.

I know the second the plane touches down in Miami International that it's not a good idea. It already feels emptier, colder, without her here, and after picking up my luggage, I head out to the front and find my dad, already standing by his car, waiting for me at the pick up point. His eyes find mine through the throng of people, and when they flicker my right, like they did when I was here with her, to find me alone, I falter and break all over again.

Though he says nothing and comes up to me, wrapping me up in an embrace and telling me how much he's missed me in my ear. He doesn't pick me up from the ground, hugging me tight like he did last time, and I know immediately that he knows something's up. I suppose my mom said something about how me told her I was coming alone, how I wasn't bringing 'my little friend' and it makes something grow inside my chest because fuck, I wish Rosé was here.

Anyway, he holds me closer, hugging me for longer than necessary, and when I pull away, he doesn't even ask me if I need help, just picks up my luggage, slings it over his shoulder and carries it to the car. My mind flicks back to when he did that for Rosé, how he never does it for me usually and it makes that thing in my chest get that little bit bigger. Like I've said before, I hate sympathy, but something about him doing this, being nice to me, doesn't make me angry... it makes me want to cry.

Like when I was a kid and felt ill at school. The teacher or the assistant would ring my parents, and I'd be fine right up until they walked through that door, and then I'd just break down. Everything would feel a million times more painful because I was surrounded by love, and it was only then that I realized how much pain I was feelings; and this situation is just like that.

Back in New York, I have friends that love me surrounding me, sure, but it's not the same and so I could feel numb. I could push away the pain. But now I'm here, in Miami, surrounded by family, people who love me unconditionally and always will, and it just becomes so obvious how much pain I'm in. How much I miss Rosé and how much it feels like someone's punched a hole through my chest.

My dad drives me back to the house, and he tries to make small talk but I'm hardly responsive. I just nod along, hum in acknowledgment and maybe offer a word or two when he asks me a question, but otherwise he doesn't push and instead of being pissed for the sympathy like I was with my friends, I welcome it. It doesn't feel like my dad's looking at me like a kicked puppy, like it felt like with Jisoo and Jennie, and I actually feel like a bitch for feeling like this because I know Jisoo and Jennie were only trying to look out for me... but it's just not the same.

But I don't want to focus on that. The reason for coming here was to find some closure, to make myself feel better, but all I can think about as the car cuts through the streets of Miami is how Rosé held my hand in the back seat the last time we were here. How I gave up sitting in the front, catching up with my dad like I did all those times before, just to be with her and shit, I'm going to fucking cry if I keep thinking like this.

So I force the thoughts away and when I get home, my mom wraps me up in an embrace, much like my dad did, and it feels too tight. It feels like she's suffocating me but I push through it, plastering on a smile that I know doesn't reach my eyes and she just kisses me on the forehead and tells me she's cooking dinner and that it'll be ready soon but I can pack my bags away for now. So I do just that, and head on up to my room but when I get to the door, I freeze.

Because I can't sleep in here.

The last time I was here, I had Rosé. I had her in my arms, on my lips, under my hands. I had her everywhere, invading each one of my senses and I didn't care because I was in love.