Never Knew I Needed (Chaelisa)

Chapter 26

February

For the first week after watching that cab drive away with the only thing I've ever truly cared about inside, I don't leave my apartment.

Seokjin doesn't question me when I suddenly sign off from work for an indefinite amount of time, and I know he'd usually get pissed at any employee that did that, but I suspect that Jisoo may have mentioned something (or I know, he wasn't freaking blind and saw how Rosé and I acted at work when we thought I was being subtle and figured out I'm kind of really heartbroken and mildly depressed by Rosé's departure because I'm madly in love with her) but that's totally besides the point.

He just shrugs and accepts it, then tells me that he'll give me holiday pay for two weeks and even though I want to say no, he says I don't have an option, so I just take it with a roll of my eyes.

It makes me feel a little shitty, because I know no-one else would get this treatment if they suddenly signed off work; in fact, they'd probably have their ass fired, and if there's one thing I really fucking hate, it's sympathy. Fucking sympathy and being treated differently purely because of something that happened to me. It's just a reminder that I'm feeling shit, and I know it sounds like I'm being a bitch and it sounds like I'm being ungrateful, but I don't really care. I'm kind of numb to other people's feelings at the moment.

Shame I can't be numb to my own, but hey, welcome to my life. Where shit always happens.

On my week off, I basically do a Hilary Swank in P.S I Love You and watch the Toy Story trilogy over and over again, sing along to 'You Got A Friend In Me', recite every single one of Buzz Lightyear's lines and end up crying my eyes out when the third movie comes on because it's just so damn emotional and because Toy Story is just so Rosé. I only watch that trilogy because they were Rosé's favorite, and we always used to watch it with her when we had what she would call 'snuggle time.'

But now I'm just sad, lonely and bitter and so I don't even bother changing out of sweatpants and a hoodie for seven days and instead sing (badly), dance around (badly) and live on Cheetos for a week because I don't want anything else.

Even though I can sing well, dance pretty well too and I don't even really like Cheetos. They were just Rosé's favorite.

Jisoo, Jaehyun and Jennie do come over and bring me groceries, trying to entice me with pasta and chicken, but I don't really want to eat that and so I just roll mu eyes, tell them I'll eat it later and end up throwing it out days later when it's green and kind of really gross.

They stick around long enough to check up on me, and they try to talk to me but my answers are pretty vacant, and luckily they know me, so they don't push it and I'm thankful for that. So they just kiss me on the top of the head (in Jisoo and Jaehyun's case, Jennie just stares at me and wrinkles her nose at the bright orange stain down the front of my gray hoodie that's been there for like, three days) and then leave, telling me they'll call me each night to make sure I haven't knocked myself out.

I tell them not to, though, because I only want to hear one person's voice down the other end of the line.

And if it's not her, then I don't want to hear anything else.

***

For Christmas, Rosé and I gave each other one gift—only one—and it had to be within a cash limit.

I remember walking around for hours upon hours, searching for a gift and it was only when I was on my way home, the hope of giving Rosé the best Christmas fading from within, that I walked past a tiny store and something caught my eye. It was perfect; it was within the cash limit (okay, maybe a few dollars or so over — a hundred, to be exact) and I just knew the second I saw it, Rosé would love it. I saw the image of her eyes widening and smile growing inside my mind and all of a sudden I was too excited and ducked inside the store and bought the item.