Never Knew I Needed (Chaelisa)

Chapter 30

The feeling's different when I wake up in the morning.

I can't explain it, but I just feel this deep dread curdling in the pit of my stomach. It's uncomfortable, in weight and feeling, and I manage to worm my way out from underneath Rosé, taking advantage of her heavy sleeping as I slip out of bed. I grab a pair of sweatpants and a baggy shirt from my drawer and slip them on, creeping outside the room and into the kitchen just so I can take a few moments to myself to breathe and get back some of my bearings.

So maybe sleeping with her before talking things over wasn't the best idea.

Maybe not bothering with a hello and instead kissing her senseless and screwing her on top of the table in my living room merely five minutes after not seeing her for an entire year wasn't the best idea.

But it seemed like it at the time and now I'm sitting here, on a stool surrounding my kitchen island with my head in my hands and I don't know what to do.

All of that sex (in spite of being fucking incredible) has just made everything a million more times complicated. Because I want to make Rosé mine, I want to tell her every single day how fucking madly in love I am with her, but at the same time, there's a wall—albeit, more remains of a wall now than the sturdy wall I had before—around my heart and it's trying to protect me.

Because I just can't let it go that easily; I can't let her in that easily.

For me, having anyone even within touching distance of that wall is a big deal, a massive deal, in fact, and Rosé came and barged straight through it without even a warning. She came in and turned my life upside down, even though she'd been there for a few years before. She was that person; the one I'd been staring at but never really seen, the one I needed but never wanted, the one I'd always considered but never chosen. She was everything I never knew I wanted, everything I loved and trusted, and even she managed to break me.

I know it wasn't intentional, and I know if she could take it back she would, but it doesn't change the fact that it still happened. She still left. If she hadn't wanted to go, she wouldn't have, and hell, even further past that, she never even freaking contacted me. She didn't even drop a rogue text, or make a monthly phone call. She didn't even send me a fucking postcard, or even get one of those weird British carrier pigeons to fly overseas with a letter.

She didn't do anything, and there's a part of me that can't forgive her for that.

She just left me drowning, with no hopes of a rescue.

"You still haven't left."

I don't jump at the sound of Rosé's voice, but it does break me from my thoughts. I don't turn my head, but instead let my hands drop to the table and trace circles over the speckles visible in the marble counter top. "I don't think I could leave if I wanted to," I sigh, the memories of the exact same words coming back from yesterday.

There's a drag of silence between us, one where I focus intently on the sound of Rosé breathing as she stands in the doorway behind me, but I still don't look at her.

"I was scared," she suddenly says and I can tell by the tone of her voice that this is about to get serious.

I take in a deep breath, trying to prepare myself, but something tells me I'm never going to be prepared enough for this conversation. "About what?" I whisper.

"That you hated me," she answers and I feel the air warm around me as she comes to my side. "I was scared when I came back you wouldn't talk to me, that you wouldn't even look me in the eye," she swallows and her voice lowers. "I was scared you didn't love me anymore."

I do turn at that, my head snapping around sharply and eyes narrowing in disbelief. "I'll always love you," I counter with complete clarity and Rosé's eyes dart up to meet mine, shock and affection lingering behind them. It almost makes me forget what I was going to say, she tends to have that effect on me, so I purposefully glance away and clear my throat, my eyebrows knitting together as my vision remains locked onto the counter top. "Why did you think I'd hate you?"