Throughout the Years (Tronnor AU)

Chapter 10

-Connor-

"Are you gay?" I asked Troye, who I was siting bedside to. I really hope he wasn't. Dear God, if he's gay, I'm fucking done. It would be over. It's bad enough I think he's kinda...cute. God my heart jumped saying that. I was afraid of what I was. I didn't think about it for the longest time. I shoved it into the back of my mind. Being gay really isn't a socially accepted thing. Well, it is, but it's not ordinary. I just want to be normal. I don't want to be out there and in everyone's eye as gay. I just didn't. When we are little, we are taught or just grew up around the idea of finding a spouse of the opposite sex, have a few kids, get a good job, and live retirement to its fullest. But it doesn't always go like that. I don't like change. I despise change. I need to know what's going on, when, and where. I hate it when things go off schedule or according to plan. So, finding out a couple years ago that I might not even know myself or what I am, I'm deathly fucking terrified of life.

My palms got sweaty, I felt my face drain of color, I felt a little light-headed. I knew that asking that question would be a great monumental step towards acceptance, but yet could lead towards a really, really bad outcome in the end.

Troye looked at me, looking kind of confused. His mouth opened, forming sounds that came from his vocal chords in his throat.

"Yeah, why?"

I could just hear my world crumble to the ground.

I can't fall for him. I won't fall for him. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this at all. I won't come out of this alive.

"Connor, are you okay?" I heard a voice ask. I snapped back into reality. Troye was propped up on his elbows, looking at me. Somewhat worried. As I came out of my daze, my arms instantly began to itch through my fabric of my shirt. It hurt to itch the cuts that were already there. I dropped Troye's notebook on instinct to itch my forearms. Troye sat upwards.

"Connor, what's wrong?" He began to move forward close to me. On instinct, I moved backwards, away from Troye.

"Don't come near me." I said with a warning tone. I didn't need him near me right now. That's the last thing I needed. I didn't need the guy that I have feelings for comfort me.

I felt the bed I was sitting on jerk a little bit in the movement of Troye. I was still itching through my shirt to ease the pain. All of a sudden, I felt a hand on my chin. The hand turned my chin towards the one who owns the hand. Troye was really close to my face. His ocean blue eyes pierced mine. I could see a distinct birthmark under his left eye. I could feel his breath. I could smell his musk. I can feel his presence. With a hand, he grabbed my appendage that was scratching at my forearm.

"Connor." He spoke softly and calmly. "I know I just met you and everything, but I wanna say that you need to fight these temptations off." He went from grabbing my hand away to holding it in his hand.

"What you are doing by cutting yourself is solving a short term problem that will create a long term problem later in life. I'm not just some other person who's giving you advice." He reached down and pulled both sleeves up on his arms. His right arm had the one deep line close to the crook of his elbow. His other arm was literally covered in scars from cuts. From his wrist all the way up to his elbow. Oh my God.

"I understand why you do what you do to yourself. It's to forget isn't it?" He asked. I couldn't answer. My throat locked up and my heart skipped a beat. This isn't just some other person who thinks I cut just because I like it or because I'm depressed. He understands me. He understands my pain. He understands why. He...is so amazing.

I couldn't speak. My eyes filled with tears and my heart was racing. I couldn't hold in my feelings anymore. I threw my arms around Troye and sobbed into the crook of his neck. I could feel Troye flinch when I lunged towards him. I heard him grunt, realizing I bumped into his tender stomach from Joe. His arms wrapped around me. I can feel his fingers drawing circles into my back. I could feel his body warm mine. I could feel his heartbeat. It was thumping really hard. I could feel every inhale and exhale. His breath hitched after a few exhales. I pulled away from the hug, only to see him crying as well.