I Still Miss You 💔. By A.ZChaudhry

Chapter 36

XANDROS

I sighed as I parked the car outside the graveyard. I usually used to visit the graveyard every Friday, tidy their graves, place fresh roses on them and clean the nearby places. But I never talked with them. Somehow, my voice would also shut off, everything in my throat would clog and nothing would come out. "I miss you." and "I love you." would have been on the tip of my tongue but my throat would never co-operate.

Ava used to accompany me sometimes, but usually I used to go alone.

Closing the door of my car and locking it, I held the roses as I went inside. Reaching my parent's graves, I performed my routinely ritual. Cleaned it, wiped any dust from it, picked up the fallen leaves and piled them up neatly and then decorated their grave with fresh roses. I was sitting on my knees spreading the flowers when my knees hit the ground and I just sat there. It had been a year since dad passed away, two since Toby did and one and a half since mum.

I blew a breath through my nose and started talking, my throat itself opening and my voice tumbling out itself, "I'm not mad at you anymore."

And then I was silent. My heart suddenly felt this burden on itself, as if a stone had been placed there, making breathing difficult for me, but I still intook a long breath and continued, "You become mad with the people who are alive and the people who are yours. You, definitely, were mine, but...." I sighed as I whispered, "you no longer live here. You are somewhere so far away that I cannot reach right now no matter how hard I try, no matter how many efforts I put in. They all turn out to be in vain.

People come and go. I am atleast glad that I could spend a good time with you guys and don't have that many of a regrets. Yes, I do have some, but they are now my headache and mine to deal with. When you yourselves are not here....." I whispered, "what will I do with all of this anger, madness and sudden boycotts? What the hell will I even do!" I chuckled a laughter masked for pain.

Rolling my shoulder muscles since they were aching a lot, I continued, "I'd rather want all three of you together than one of you to be separated and to look after me. I am good, I can look after myself, you people need each other, with Toby. You all three complete each other and trust me....it's a beautiful picture. You do not need me." When did my voice become a whisper and when did I start crying? I do not know.

"Dad." I looked at dad's grave and nodded as tears rolled down my cheeks and I whispered with quivering lips, "I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm.....I'm surviving, and living." (Ava made me live.) Looking at the ground before looking back up at his stone, I ensured him, "I have money, I am doing online jobs, the house is running. Everything is perfect. You do not need to worry about me. You-you....." I tried to say this out loud but whenever I tried, emotions stopped me. Whenever I tried, tears blocked my throat when I finally rasped out, "Even up there, you need to let go of me."

Fresh set of tears ran through my eyes when I pinched them close and just lowered my head and kept on whispering and choking between tears, "I am not one of you now. You all are in some other world God knows doing what and I....." I had so many jumbled thoughts in my mind when I waved my hand and wiped my tears away, "Forget it. I am good."

I then turned to mum's grave stone and said, my heart feeling a little less light and easy for me to say it to her, "I'm fine. Your boy is fine, I'm eating, I'm showering, I'm studying and I'm doing your gardening for you. My girlfriend helps me as she is much more into gardening than a caterpillar can even be. So? You don't need to worry about me or your plants. Concentrate on pops and Toby and......" I sighed and smiled a sad one when I whispered, "let go of those who are not yours now, mama."

The moment the word 'mama' left my mouth, I knew I would breakdown when I said to the both of them, "I passed first year at Harvard. Ninety-six percent in Accounting and Finance, eighty-two percent in Business. Ava has somewhat of a same percentage. But I just wanted to say......everything's good. I love you."

Before I could break down any further and go down that never-ending dark path, I made my way towards Toby's grave which was on the other side when the sight shocked me. There was already someone there, sitting in front of Toby's grave, a shawl covering their full form, so I couldn't make out if it was a he or a she. Their back was shaking and the way their hands raised to their eyes, did a light swipe and fell back down, I knew that the person was crying.

I wanted to give them some time but I was generally curious to know as to who would come to Toby's grave and cry? We had nobody here.

Or maybe I was looking at the wrong tombstone, but I was a hundred percent certain that this one was Tobs. I could never forget even if dementia was to take over.

I walked towards that place when the leaves crunched underneath my shoes. The figure froze in front and quickly dipped their head to remove the tears when they tried to peek a glance at me. The shawl was still covering their face and I swerved to the right a bit to catch their face properly. As soon as I got close, the figure stood up and was about to run when I caught their arm, "Wait, who-" and I fucking froze.

The figure froze and so did I as this arm was damn familiar. I remember holding this arm and loving her like God knows anything. I remember the way I looked at her, the way we initially fell in love and how everything had fallen into place. I remember everything and that seemed so long ago. I fucking craved her yet she didn't know. I fucking loved her yet she may have an idea by now for how sincere it was.

But what the fuck was she doing here?

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*Drums rolling*

Sooooo???? Any guesses as to who it is?????? It could literally be anyone.

Peace!

A.ZChaudhry

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