Holding On

Fourty-Three

After shrugging into her night dress post her shower, Emma stared at George who had his eyes closed as he back faced her side of the bed as had become the usual, and realized that he wasn't asleep. The way his eyes were shut so tightly betrayed him.

Turning off the lights for her own selfish reasons, Emma was on her side of the bed in a few seconds. As she sat up, her breathing grew heavy, the gravity of the lie she was about to conjour yet weighing heavily on her chest. “George.”

He didn't even make a sound after she said his name so she spoke again, this time more loudly. “Coconut, we need to talk.... I'm prepared to tell you what's been having me so worked up nowadays.”

The expected reaction was almost instantaneous, and George was soon facing her. Then as if realizing how eager he came off, he said in a stern voice, the pretentious kind of course. “I'm... I'm listening.”

She could make out the plains that made up his handsome face in the darkness, and she almost smiled until she realized it was time to play her cards well. After, leaving Eva's, she'd noodled a lot, and though she wasn't quite ready to dig the ground in order to unearth the secrets she'd kept, the lies she'd told, she realized she could do something to at least return things between her and George to a somewhat normal state.

And she'd decided that she would fight, destiny be damned, to make her love for George win the war it was having with the accursed one for Zain before she came clean. All she needed was George's cooperation which she hoped will serve as her strength.

“Sometimes, I think I don't deserve you.” She blurted out before she lost the nerve.

“You think what?” He asked and chuckled a bit in the darkness. “Is this some kind of joke? I mean, why would you ever think that?”

“You remember when my father came back and how it'd made me break down?” She asked and continued. “Well, from that day, I've been doubting your honour, and I've been fearing again that you would turn out like my father and. . . and... I feel so guilty each time because i know you're a good man and you don't deserve the doubts that I've been feeling.”

“Is that why you've been acting so strange lately?”

“Yes.” it wasn't true, but the part of her doubting his honour wasn't a lie either even though it'd only been one fleeting thought.

“Oh, sugar.” George's arms were around her in a split second in a warm embrace and she rested her head on his chest. “That shouldn't make you think you don't deserve me. I think it's perfectly normal that you feel that way after seeing your father again. You remember what doctor Francis told as when we completed our therapy? He said our honed emotional strength doesn't necessarily mean we are never going to face fears again. He said there is going to be mild relapses especially when we get into contact with something or somebody who will trigger traumatic memories from the past but that it only depends on our conviction to overcome the relapses.”

Swallowing the lump of emotion that'd lodged in her throat, she felt marveled by the goodness in this man. He wasn't upset and he wasn't judging her. How was he able to find the optimistic side of every thing?

“You should've told me when those fears started building. We would've braved them together. Don't worry, I'm here. If I'd known how you felt, I wouldn't have behaved the way I've been behaving. I'm so sorry, but then I panicked that you...”

“That what, coconut?”

She heard a gurgled sound in the darkness which suggested George swallowing hard. “You know there are times i too feel like I don't deserve you.” His voice was low and hesitant.

Stunned by his confession, she lifted her head off his chest to look at his face in the obscurity, trying to find his eye in the darkness. They shimmered like jeweled swathes of silk, except silk couldn't display the susceptibility she saw in them. “Why would you ever think that, George? You're. . . I man you're flawless and everything any woman would ever wish for.”

“It's not very constant but I have that feeling once in a while. From the beginning, I wondered how someone like you could ever love someone like me, someone so. . . broken. Most times I feared, and I still do once in a while, that you will realize your mistake and leave me.” His voice was filled with a certain emotion that squeezed at her heart.

Emma had always looked up to this man and wanted to be like him, the traits and characteristics that'd made her fall in love with him; his kindness, his ability to fight his fears and move on despite how traumatic his past had been, his control on his temper, his altruism. And it was a stunning thing to realize that he was just as human as her and had his moments of self depreciation. She instantly wrapped her arms around him, wanting to assure him, to alleviate his fears.

“Don't ever think that about yourself again, coconut. Yes, maybe you were broken once, but you managed to withstand your emotions. You managed to fight your way through and that's very admirable. Have you forgotten that I was as broken as you were once? You were the one who gave me the strength to pull through those therapy sessions, you helped me escape from my emotional wringer. You forgave your father who was the cause of your trauma although you had every cause to curse him to hell. My love, you are utter perfection.”

“Emma...” He whispered, then fell silent. No doubt he was stunned. She felt stunned herself that she was able to out list all what she loved about George most in one breath.

When George's voice came, it trembled with emotion. “Thank you. You. . . you don't know how good it feels to hear you say those things. They. . . thank you.”

Emma suddenly realized how much she and George had needed this; this heart to heart, even if it was kindled out of a lie. It'd helped showed her this vulnerable side of George she hasn't glimpsed in years since he'd obviously tried to hide it. And now, the remembrance of why she fell in love with George served as the paraphernalia for her to fortify her love for him.

She couldn't stand it if he relapsed and sunk into the depression once again, and she would hate herself for being the cause of it.

After some minutes had passed, Emma finally pulled back from George. “What if we go on a vacation?”

“You want us to go on a vacation? Where?” He now sounded normal, which made her sigh with relief.

“I don't know, you could decide. But it has to be somewhere near the sea. We'll bring our daughter along.” Why hadn't she thought of this before? On a vacation, without their individual jobs separating them for those couple of hours, there would be more time to bond with George and strengthen her love for him.

“It's sounds like a great idea. I'll just look up places tomorrow. I can't wait to go on our second honeymoon.” He said teasingly.

“Second honeymoon. That sounds nice and sexy.” She said huskily, and they both chuckled. Speaking of sexy, it'd been quite a while since they made love, and she relished his touch.

Sliding her hand down his stomach, she slid her hand into the waist band of his pyjama pants to cup him, feeling him grow in her hand. Just when she wanted to move on top to straddle him, he pulled her hand away gently from him and said, “No sugar, just let me hold you tonight.”

Understanding from where that need stemmed, she fell into his arms and laid her head on his chest, absorbing his warmth and all the love he had to offer.