Holding On

Fifty Two

Emma's heart thumped against her chest, like a deluged, pulsating tank waiting on its time to explode as she steered her car down the homestretch leading to Zain's family cabin.

Why the hell she'd given in to his request was something she still couldn't quite understand. It could be a stupid move or a sensible one, but whatever it was, Zain hadn't shared any details when he'd called her about two hours ago.

“Hello, Emma. It's Zain.” He'd said after she'd picked up, hastening quickly to attach a plea, “Please don't hang up on me. Please.”

She'd closed her eyes, sitting behind her desk in her office, her heart beating a staccato quicker and louder than it'd been doing before she'd heard his voice.

“We need to talk, Em.”

Remembering the number of tines he'd said that, each time leaving her emotionally wrecked, she'd hissed into the phone. “We always have something to talk about and it's always the same damn thing! I'm gonna hang up.”

“No Emma, don't. This... This is important.” He said, something about the pause making her hesitate. “Please let's talk.”

Before she could realize what she was doing, she'd agreed. “Fine.”

Zain had sighed with palpable relief. “Thank you. But we can't do it on the phone. Can you... Can you meet me at my family cabin?”

“What?” She'd exclaimed incredulously. “What does talking have to do with going to your family cabin?”

“A lot Em. Just please don't refuse” He'd come through desperately. “I'll be expecting you an hour after your lunch break.”

“Zain...”

“Please.”

Now thinking of it much clearly Emma realized why she'd agreed to come to the cabin. It was the plea, the hesitation she'd sensed in his voice, and the emotion that'd resonated so poignantly within it. It'd struck her, outruling her fears and feeding her curiosity at the oddity of it all.

Realizing she'd already reached her destination, Emma stepped on the brakes abruptly, causing a billow of dust to surround her car. She remained where she was, taking in deep breaths in preparation for whatever discussion Zain deemed so important.

As the dust dissipated, she saw Zain standing on the front porch of the cabin, and swallowed hard when she met his gaze.

A touch of modernity had been bestowed on the cozy cabin; the white walls looked as if they had been painted not very long ago, the railings had been changed to metal, embedded in modern floorboards, and the windows had also been changed. The hammock, however, remained much still the same.

Stepping out of her car and making her way towards the wooden stairs, Emma let all the memories associated with this cabin sweep through her. Good and bad, the memories served as catalysts that generated a feeling of nostalgia for what could've been had circumstances been different between she and Zain five years ago.

“I knew you'd come.” Zain said as he stretched his hand to help her up the stairs, but Emma looked at it and ignored it.

She could climb all by herself, thank you very much.

And wait, was that dread she saw lurking beneath the surface of his bold front? “What did you want to discuss that couldn't be done anywhere but here?” She asked immediately she was beside him, going straight to the point.

“I'd come here that Friday thinking I was going to spend a peaceful weekend of solitude all by myself. Meeting you here lying in the hammock had shocked me to the very core.” He begun absentmindedly, seemingly in reminiscence. “Do you remember, Emma?”

Emma looked at him, staying silent, not knowing what he was getting at even though she remembered that afternoon. She'd waggled her fingers at him as he'd sat in his car looking at her in shock, putting up as much confidence as she could even though she'd been uncertain at the wisdom of accepting Zain's offer to spend the weekend with him just so he would become her model.

She nearly flinched when Zain took her hand, but wanting to display as much control as she could, she let him tug her along into the cabin. The interior hadn't changed much except for a few things being rearranged to give the room a slightly different touch.

Zain led her to the refrigerator, standing at a corner just a little distance from the dining area. He looked back at her and smiled reminiscently.

“Right in front of this fridge, we had a confrontation where you finally told me that you'd always had feelings for me despite how much you rejected me so many times in the university, but you refused to say why. And it was right here I gave you those two options; to either leave the cabin or stay and face the consequences. You chose the second option.”

He once again took her hand and led her through the short hallway, opening the bedroom door and pulling her into the room. She was much too busy reprimanding her raging heart, and reliving those memories to even observe the room.

“It was here Emma.” Zain let go off her hand as he gestured at the bed. “Right here on this bed, I made love to you for the first time. Had you in my arms and felt you surrender. It still remains the best night of my life.”

He run a hand through his hair. “In just two days, we did more than imaginable. We found ourselves, realized the things we truly wanted, the things that were holding us back. We laughed, we cried... We loved.”

This was too much. His words were so deep and painful she could barely breathe for it. “I'm not doing this.”

She didn't want to trail down the lane of long forgotten memories. Turning, she made for the door, and was opening it so she could step out when Zain held her hand. His touch was gentle, coaxing, and she found herself turning to face him.

As he pulled more closer to her, she felt her breathing grow heavy, his eyes boring intensely into hers. “We've loved each other for about ten years now, starting way back in the university. Please don't let our love fall down. Don't let it go to waste. Don't let your denial sweep it away like it never existed. Because it does exist.”

He hesitantly put his hand at the small of her back, his lips drawing perilously closer to hers. “Please don't let it die.” His lips shook, the terror he obviously felt at the prospect wrapping around her tightly.

Yet why didn't she feel the same terror at the possible perish of a love he deemed so great? Why did she feel she do could without this love? “Zain I...”

He suddenly stepped away from her, raking his fingers through his hair again. “I'm not forcing you, Em. Yesterday I spoke with my mum. It changed my perspective about a lot of things. It made me realize that I've not been giving you a choice. That I've been forcing you to choose me all this while. And that's why...” his eyes flashed with dread at the imminent words. “...that is why I've decided to let you decide without intervening. To let you choose who you really want to be with without forcing it to be me. I promise to respect whatever decision you make and get out of your life if you decide to choose George.”

Denial welled up in her, this unexpected freedom that he was giving her too good to be true. And yet she looked into his dark brown eyes and saw only genuineness shimmering in them.

Closing their proximity, Zain took her hand again, his eyes glistening with a plea to consider his next words. “Only please think about it deeply before making a decision, and know that I can make you and your daughter as happy as George can make you.” He turned away from her so she could only see his back.

Silence reigned for a while, soon morphing into a cloud that rained down awkwardness. “Uhm. I guess I'll be leaving now.” She said simply.

She didn't know what else to say. Should she be thanking him?

It was only after she'd sat in her car and prepared to drive of that the gravity of this newfound freedom hit her hard. Because she realized that this freedom had to do with the ability to make a decision that could change her and her daughter's lives drastically.