I got in my car, glancing at the bag I'd placed on the seat. My life had come to this and now I wanted to cry all over again.
Antidepressants, I never thought I would need them, but now, my doctor had insisted I take them. Apparently I was hitting rock bottom and I needed a little help.
I wiped my eye's and drove home. I was sick of crying all the time and if the antidepressants worked, well good.
I got home and carried the groceries upstairs. Apparently I was under weight too and needed to start eating properly. Actually I needed to just start eating.
I'd gone grocery shopping and tonight I'd decided I was going to make lasagne, I loved it and I hadn't made it in so long. The doctor was right, I really needed to get my life back on track.
I had a quick shower, throwing on a singlet top and a pair of shorts, heading to the kitchen to start getting things ready for the lasagne.
First I got out my box of new medication, popping one in my mouth. As I swallowed it my phone started ringing.
It was Matt.
Oh fuck it, I thought picking up my phone, I decided to answer it.
"Hello."
"Jess, hey, it's me."
"Oh hi." I said softly. "How are you?"
"I'm......okay I guess." He said. "How are you?"
"Okay." What a complete fucking lie that was.
"Oh, good. Look I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to see if it was okay if I dropped that stuff around."
I closed my eye's, I guess he was eager to be completely rid of me.
"That's fine. When?"
"Is now okay?" He asked.
"Now is fine." I told him.
"Okay.....well I'll see you soon."
I hung up the phone and just stood there.
I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry.
I stood there crying. Fuck. I did not need this.
I walked quickly to the bathroom, I looked like shit and I quickly pulled my hair back. It really didn't matter if I looked like shit now did it?
I went back into the kitchen, trying to get on with dinner until the door buzzer went.
"Yes?"
"It's me."
Oh god he was here, I thought buzzing him in.
I opened the door, listening to him walk up the stairs, and godamn him, when he appeared he still took my breath away.
"Hi." He said smiling.
I noticed he had a small box with him and I guessed it was my stuff.
"Come in." I said stepping back and letting him in.
He walked in, looking around. "Wow, this is really nice Jess."
"Yeah it is." I said. "Would you like a drink?"
"Please."
I walked into the kitchen and he followed, placing the box on the bench.
"You're cooking?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said handing him a beer. "I'm making a lasagne." Then I was going to try and eat it, but I didn't say that.
"Yum." He smiled.
"You're welcome to stay." I offered.
What the hell was I doing? What did it matter, he wasn't likely to accept my offer.
"I'd love to."
Well fuck.
