malignant (Natasha X Reader)

part 36 |i dont want to be me|

SONG OF THE CHAPTER: pretend - Clayas

Pacing around her room, she was debating telling Nat or not.

This was too much for her. The thought of her risking her relationship just to satisfy some stupid feeling inside of her made her angry.

She had promised herself ages ago to not risk the opportunity of becoming an Avenger through something as stupid as this, but she had broken that.

Tears started to form in her eyes through the stress and anger.

"Fuck." She said trying to wipe away the quick-falling tears. However, they seemed to never stop.

She slid her back down her wall holding her head in her hands.

Silently crying to herself, the questions still lingered.

Her and Nat had been inseparable. Now she didn't even know where Nat was.

-

Her door was slightly ajar, granting Nat access.

She knocked at the door.

She had to know what was going on with Y/n. Nat had avoided confronting them about it because she didn't want to seem needy but her curiosity and loneliness grew, causing her to get to this point.

"Y/n?"

She heard sniffing and a faint answer.

Nat walked in to see the girl sitting in the corner wiping her eyes.

The redhead quickly closed the door and rushed over to the girl.

"Y/n? Are you okay? What happened?"

"I'm sorry Nat," she said looking at the girl with puffy eyes.

"For what?" Nat was surprised by what the brunette had said.

"I-I've been spending less time with you and I've done some awful things and I've completely risked being an Avenger and this relationship over some stupid, pathetic feeling that takes over me."

"Y/n what is going on this isn't making sense."

The brunette took a deep breath trying to gather her thoughts and present what she had done, in a manner that won't sound atrocious.

"I completely understand if you're mad, I understand any consequence you give me for this."

"Y/n... what is going on."

"You came to see me last night about a 'nightmare'. Except it wasn't a nightmare, was it? It was because I've not been around you and you've missed me. We've not been sleeping in the same bed and I've been spending time elsewhere."

Nat looked down guiltily.

"I went out the other night. I took a commission to stop a trade for this package. I had obviously killed them but I was supposed to get the package when I got into the room something felt off. I went back to where I had been sniping from and shot the package. It was a bomb. The employer that I had been taking these commissions from had set me up. I tried to track where one of the men, who were supposedly going to receive the package, would go after the mission. They destroyed the tracker too. I was so angry I ended up... killing an innocent person." She couldn't look a Nat when she spoke so she stared straight forward, taking deep breaths.
"I came back covered in blood and Clint saw. Then I went out again last night. I killed that group of criminals that were on the news. That was me. I also found some information on Hydra about where some agents are located. It was all because... well... I hadn't been on a mission recently and it came back. That feeling I had when I finally escaped Hydra. Being agitated and the feeling of something growing inside of me that needed something to satisfy it. It sounds insane, and it is. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix myself." She finished speaking, hiding her face in her hands as she couldn't stop crying.

Natasha was speechless.

"I- Y/n... Oh god, what are we going to do."

"You don't have to get involved, I started this and I should be the one to face the consequences."

"I presume the others don't know otherwise there would be chaos. I thought you said you wouldn't go out again."

"I thought I wouldn't but I guess it came back. I really didn't want it to. I tried my best to make it go away but it wouldn't."

Natasha rubbed her face with her hands, being slightly overwhelmed in this situation.

"Let's make a deal," Nat spoke, confusing Y/n with what she had to say, "I won't tell the rest of the team but you have to promise to tell me as soon as the feeling starts and we will have to see if we can do something about it, maybe create a medication to fix it, I don't know. If you leave without having told me about this though, I will tell the team and Fury instantly. After that, it is out of my hands what they do to you. You will most likely be kicked off the team."

Y/n could not have been more happy with the answer Nat gave her.

"Thank you. Thank you for everything, for giving me a second chance, and for trusting me, I'm really grateful for you Nat." Y/n spoke looking at Natasha, finishing what she wanted to say with a small but sad, smile.

Nat sighed and returned a similar smile.

Y/n still had a few tears running down her face so Nat moved to sit next to her, putting her arm around the girl.

"Aren't you mad?" Y/n questioned.

"I am. But I can't always go off in fits of rage whenever something happens that might make me angry."

"You're by far a lot nicer than I thought you'd be when I came here."

The redhead let out a small laugh at the girl's comment.

"Thank you." She said, kissing Y/n's temple.