𝐂𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭&𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐓𝐨 𝐃𝐢𝐞『 𝐑𝐞𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 』

『 Ch. 15 』

"Be safe!"

I waved the others bye then shut the door. I could feel myself basically deflate, I was exhausted. Everyone had finally gone home; and as much as I enjoy my family's company, I was really tired. I hadn't gotten a chance to rest properly since Christmas.

On that topic; Toby and I hadn't had an actual conversation since the kiss. Akward comments, and questions relating to favors; but we didn't actually have any conversations. I wasn't sure what was wrong... I felt like I had done something wrong to him. I let out a sigh and walked over to the bedroom. As I did, I passed the bathroom, Toby had just been sitting in there the past few days, not showering or doing anything in there. He just wanted to lock himself away somewhere. If he wasn't in there, then he was out in the forest. He seemed to never around.

He was truly avoiding me.

It would have given me so much clarity to just know what was wrong. I just want things to go back to normal. I'd rather be in love in silence, than have him constantly ignore me or act like I didn't exist... It had been like this for too long.

I shut the bedroom door and locked it behind me. I could feel my chest tighten up again. I fell down onto the bed and I could feel the tears slowly well up. This wasn't the first time I had cried while we're in this situation. It happened a lot... I felt sick but I couldn't bring myself to move. I just layed there there, in silence. Nothing felt right anymore... He was ignoring me and I didn't know why. Yeah, It could've beem the kiss but he talked to me the rest of the night... I wasn't sure what to do anymore. I couldn't talk to him, and I didn't really want to sleep on the couch again. I let out a sigh and covered my head with a pillow.

Is loving somebody supposed to hurt this much?

☆

I slowly opened my eyes; I didn't realize I fell asleep until I woke back up. I slowly sat up and stared at the wall. I felt,,, bad. Not sad or angry, not even irritated. I just knew there was something wrong. Maybe I'm just overthinking because I'm hurt. I do that a lot, worry about things I shouldn't.

I slowly pushed myself out of the bed and walked over to the door. I stood there for what seemed like forever, not sure whether or not to open it. I finally took a deep breath and unlocked the door. I stepped out and was met with complete silence. Normally, I could hear something; either from inside the house or outside it. But, now, there was nothing. It weirded me out.

I slowly moved through the house, not really wanting to see if Toby was around. Truth was, I didn't want to see his hurt expression again... It bothered me to my core, not knowing how to help him with whatever problem I caused.

When I finally got to the kitchen, I stared out the window; it was late. The moon was already out, and it was shining much brighter than usual. It was beautiful. I could actually feel myself smile a little, it felt nice to be at least a little calm.

I finally decided to make some tea; it would calm my nerves, and my throat was really dry. I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and began boiling water in a kettle. Tea wasn't really my favorite but Toby really had only that, said he didn't like coffee. It had taken me forever to even find the things to make coffee when everyone stayed over... I slumped overtop the counter and rested my chin on my hand. Even through my socks, I could feel how cold the floorboards were. The rest of my body also felt a little cold. The winter was finally starting to get to me... I'd give anything to be lying down with Toby right now. He's always scarily warm,,, or maybe I'm just cold?

The kettle began whistling, and it snapped me out of my thoughts. I slowly poured out some water and sat it back on the stove and began searching for a tea bag; I quickly found one. I put it in my tea and sat down at the table. I stared at the mug as best as I could in the dark. I never bothered to turn the lights on, but the moon was plenty enough to help me see what I needed. Probably not the safest, though. I let out a small sigh before taking a sip of the tea. I slightly burnt when it went down, but the pain didn't really bother me. It may have been hot, but it was refreshing.

My eyes snapped up to the doorway when I heard the front door open. I couldn't see through the house, but I could hear slow, melodic footsteps coming closer to the kitchen. I just stared, waiting for the second he walked past. I knew it was him. I had gotten used to his footsteps sneaking around trying to avoid me. When he walked past he didn't see me, it was only when the clink of my mug being sat on the table he turned his head to face me. He looked like a deer in headlights.

I wanted to say something, yell at him about how this was hurting me. How badly this was affecting me and he should just tell me what's wrong... But I didn't. I didn't want to hurt him. I made a promise to Masky, and I was going to keep it, even if it hurt me.

"Welcome back. I made tea if you want it." I maintained eye contact for a little longer before standing up and putting my mug in the sink. I felt bad for wasting it, but I was beginning to feel sick. I just couldn't down anymore.

I slowly walked past Toby giving him a quick glance before turning fully to go to the bedroom. I was trying not to burst out into tears, and I was failing. I could feel small tears running down my face as I closed the door. I leaned my head against it before letting out a long sigh. I needed to lay down.

So, I did. I can't say how long I was there, just laying, staring at the ceiling. I felt weird. Numb and empty, all my limbs felt like they were separated from my body. Everything seemed disproportionate to me, even though I knew it wasn't. I occasionally heard a variety of noises from the rest of the house. Lots of pacing and tapping of things. And every so often, I would hear him repeat something random or one of his other vocal tics.

I turned over, onto my side, and stared at nothing. I wasn't tired, but I felt exhausted. I could feel a pit in my stomach that made me feel like I was dying. I could feel all the anxiety building up on me, and it sucked.

"(Y/n)." I flinched and flung up just barely missing,,, Toby. I looked at him with a shocked expression, but he avoided any type of eye contact.  He must have come in while I was lost in my thoughts. Of course he did...

"Why are you in here? Do you need something?" I kept trying to steady my breaths as I looked him over. He had a loose shirt on for some band, and black sweatpants. But what caught my attention were his clenched fists, holding on to the hemm of his shirt.

"I,,, uhm— I want t-to kiss again." The words caught me off guard and I immediately felt heat rise to my face as he sat down beside me. He obviously saw my confused expression and elaborated. "I'm just curious. And want to try again." Curious? About what?

"Okay." Before I could control myself, I had already agreed. I wanted to, but I was confused. I did want more answers... Toby moved closer to me on the bed, and I felt his hand rest on my leg, just above my knee. I rested both my hands on his shoulders and took a deep breath.

He slowly, and hesitantly leaned in and I realized how hot his face was, like in literal sense... It was strange, kissing him after not talking to him in days.  Especially with how passionately the kiss had gotten; I could even feel his grip on me tighten. He pushed one of his hands onto the bed beside me while his either snaked around my waist. He was much more passionate that last time, the intended kiss had practically turned to a make-out session. It was genuinely shocking. Not that I didn't want to; hell, I thought about it a lot. I felt like a teen with their silly crush. It was mildly embarrassing...

The longer we sat there in silence, the more intense he got; and I knew I wasn't going to stop him. I didn't want to.  There was thought in the back of my head that this would make everything worse. That all of this was a blaze of passion and not true love. But at this point, it truly didn't matter to me. I was desperate for any kind of connection from him.

But, to my suprise, Toby swiftly pulled away, and we were both heavily breathing. I felt a bit of panic, but I was too flustered to fully take anything in. He let go of me and moved back a bit.

"I'm s-sorry. I can't do this to—" He paused as I let his words sink in. "Fuck..." I sat up properly and he promptly stood up.

"Toby?" He froze for a second before trying to walk out. I grabbed his wrist, which caught him off guard. He was stronger than me, but I wasn't letting go. "Talk to me,,, please." My grip tightened unintentionally and he just stood there looking at me.

"I— (y/n)..." He tried to pull away again but once he saw my determined expression, he knew I wasn't letting this go on any longer. He let out a sigh before sitting back down.

"Alright, l-let's talk."