Take My Breath | Catnipz

fifteen

𓄼 Mara Jace Kim 𓄹

I realise as soon as I pull into my driveway and park my car that I have lost my phone. The entire day has been nothing but an absolute blur to me.
I can't seem to remember where I've left it.

I retrace my steps in the back of my head, wondering where it could've landed between the two places I found myself today.

Is it with Mason or Mavis?

I take a deep breath as I turn off my car engine, head resting against the ice cold window as I begin to fathom what happened merely ten minutes ago in the living room of Mason's house.

I drove around her street five times to hopefully come up with an apology that wouldn't sound half assed and insincere. She deserves better than this. I realised that I can't seem to give her that.

It would've been okay if that argument had been between us both, alone, and away from prying eyes. But little did I know that I'd experience anything like the sort in front of someone we still hardly even know. But I then realise that I hardly know her at all and not the other way around.

Mason seems to know her quite well given the fondness they shared between themselves since this morning. I didn't realise how close they were.

Though nothing could quite compare to the haunting echo of Mason's voice in the deepest parts of my cranium. Her bared teeth and clenched fists are still crystal clear in my mind.

'Your real home,' runs like an infinite loop through every corner and crevice of my mind as I relive the entire moment like it's barred into my soul.

I think back to the tears that were pooling inside her soft brown eyes and how it fell seamlessly down her face and onto my grey hoodie, fitted like a glove; as if it were meant to be hers.

The way my heart aches in this very moment is an alarming indication of how hard this situation has actually affected me; Mason in our lifetime has never once raised her voice or argued with me. She would rather cry than argue back at me.

And now I sit quietly, dumbfounded and taken aback with how that scene has seeped itself into my soul like a prisoner behind bars; escape being so far out of reach. How will I ever free myself from a torment as heavy and bewildering as this?

I have never done wrong by Mason; I promised to never hurt her; to protect her from hurt and possible dangers; from the pain of heartbreak and the physical dangers of the real world.

Yet here I am in the darkness of my car, lukewarm tears coursing down my red cheeks as I try to suppress my sobs. The sole cause of the hurt she has inevitably drowned in is me; my own doing is the reason; nothing more, nothing less.

I scourge the deepest parts of me for answers to the burning questions that I drown myself in. It fills up inside me like a body of water that pools into the deepest oceans; cold, dark, mysterious and overflowing, then accompanied by an aching burn and saltiness that seeps deep into my throat.

I feel more like a limbo now than I ever have been. I am nor high or low and yet I feel like I'm put half way through a feeling of uncertainty.

I feel as if I am tied to two worlds instead of one, and in both do I find myself struggling to find my rightful place; of where I truly belong and who I belong to. A lot of people my age have figured it all figured it out for them. But I'm not there yet.

How am I still here trying hard to  figure it all out? Where do I go and which direction do I begin in? If I find myself lost will I be able to find my way out? Do I walk through the path not taken? I am neither here nor there,

and I find myself in the utmost state of being unsure of what I want my ending to be like.

And while I sit back against the cold leather, I begin to fight my biggest demons in the dark of the night; where my mind takes an inevitable turn towards the one girl that has been the centre of all my problems, dreams and aspirations.

I sit and ponder over the near future. Mine and ours. I wonder what this all means for us, no matter how blurry or unsure it may seem, I know that in any lifetime, I need her to be in my life.

I need her more than I need the air to breathe and fill my lungs to keep me here on this very earth.

I need her more than any book or movie.

I need her more than money or wealth.

I need her more than just anyone.

And I wish on every star that dances in the night sky that I could be the one person that stays by her side for the rest of our lives. For I could not live a life without her. Dare I say that as the absolute truth. It goes without saying that I, in any way, would never be able to breathe without her.

I admit that with every fibre of my being; from the tips of my fingers, to every bone in my body, to every beat of my heart and to each and every cell that keeps her memory alive in the deepest parts of me that no one has ever truly known; the unforeseen truth; the one and only truth that I have never wholly admitted to anyone but myself...

that in this life and in every life that I will inevitably live thereafter, in every universe and version of me that I will willingly exist in, there is no doubt in my mind, body or soul, that as long as she exists in my world, and without fail,

I am unmistakably and irreversibly

in love with Mason Kang.