Switchblade

Chapter 89: Why Not Love?

"Hm?" she asked.
"I want to be in love with you but all of you keep telling me not to be." he responded with a confused tone.
"Yea, because most people would say it's too soon..."
"Four and a half months is too soon?"
"That's how long you've known me. We've only been dating for like two and a half."
He just stared at her.

She looked away in thought.

"You can be." she permitted with uncertainty.
Killian stared at her. "But you don't want me to be."
"I do. I just...I have a fear of us moving too fast...and then crashing. I want you to be in love with me. But you being so openly in love with me so fast is intimidating. I feel like I have a reputation to upkeep..."
"But you've kept it up anyway. Without knowing. How hard will it be to keep doing what you've already been doing?" he asked.
She looked at the floor.
"I want you to be in love with me too. I don't care about how fast. I want you with me." he stated.
"I am with you."
"Nobody on this planet is more made for me than you." he said with lips closing in.
"How do you know? What if a few more months go by and-..."
He put their lips together and kissed her deeply with one hand gently holding the side of her face.

~•~

Tati waited patiently, sitting in Killian's bed as he showered while she waited for a text back from Kolson.

"Why is he so eager to tell me he loves me? Or that he's in love with me. Does he think I'm gonna die soon or something?" she asked previously.
The text bubbles were still loading.

She heard the shower turn off.

"No. He's never seen anybody's heart broken before" Kolson responded.
Tati's brows furrowed. "What?" she texted.
His bubbles returned.

"I'm not a genius or nothin', but most people who take forever to say they love somebody, have been heartbroken before and now they think everybody they love will turn out the same way so they don't say shit no more. He's never seen or experienced that bs. He's lucky." he texted.
Tati read over the message.
"But I don't wanna see what he'll do if he ever does experience it." he added.
"Did you just threaten me?" Tati asked.
Kolson didn't respond.

She sighed and put her phone down.

The door to the bathroom opened and Killian stood there in sweatpants and a t-shirt as he dried his hair.

Tati stared at him and wondered.

She'd seen heartbreak before. Her mother for example. She could tell that even through the evil her mother was afflicted with by the man she married, Denise still hoped he'd return to the way he was. So she still loved the version of him she remembered from the past. Enough that it took long for her to gain the courage to leave him.
She heard her mother crying for nights on end through the divorce.
She remembered seeing Loren's first heartbreak. She watched her best friend go through a depression for months after the first guy she ever loved cheated on her.

Was she afraid of feeling that too?

"Killian..." Tati called.
He looked at her after throwing his towel into the hamper.
They just stared at each other for a bit.

"What?" he asked finally.
"Can I sleep here tonight?" she asked.
He snickered, wondering why that question needed an awkward silence at the beginning. "Yea, baby. Sleep here tonight."
She nodded.
He left the room and Tati figured he was going to get a sip of water like he usually does at this time.

She sat there in thought.

Killian grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and cracked it open to sip.
He was thinking.
Almost about the same thing.

Why can't he love her?
Why isn't he allowed to be obsessed with her?
He wants to be.
He already is and is mad he can't show it or tell her without anyone saying he's insane. He wants to keep her to himself and give her whatever she wants. He wants to be allowed to kill over her. Which he'd do anyway but why do they have to be so upset about it?
It was enough to make him angry.

He heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

Tati soon walked past him and into the kitchen for water as well.

He stared at her while she opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle.

She shut it but still stood there as she sipped.
She felt a pair of arms wrapped around her and didn't flinch because she was used to her boyfriend's unusual lightness on his feet.
He buried his face into her neck and held her close while she stood there.

Something felt off.
"Are you okay?" Tati asked.
He had so many thoughts running through his head. Which was untypical for him.

He was smart but he wasn't a deep thinker. Until now.

Tati turned around to face him and Killian looked down at her.
Her eyes widened.
"Killian...?" she called worriedly.

He stared at her through wet eyes.

She gently wiped his tear with her thumb and held his face in her hand. "What's wrong?"
"I want to love you so bad." his deep voice whined.

She didn't know what to say.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a hug as he held her back.
She didn't expect this reaction. She didn't expect him to care so much about them telling him it was too soon. She felt bad. He looked heartbroken. She also didn't expect being with someone with little human experience would be so complex. Yea, she figured it would be a little odd but this...this wasn't what she trained for. How do you explain to an adult who didn't have the privilege of watching for themself how the average person works when the way the average person works is...often ridiculous and intricate?

She could admit to herself that she was jealous. She wanted to be as carefree as he was. To just do what makes her happy and stop being afraid of things. Or worried about what others might think. That was how he worked and she thought that was amazing for the most part. Keep yourself happy and comfortable. All she'd add was...keep yourself happy and comfortable as long as it didn't hurt anyone else. He still had that part to learn but he was getting there with her help.

She looked at him and lifted his face out of her shoulder.
She gently kissed under his eye, his cheek, the corner of his lips and his lips themselves.

"You can love me. As much as you want." she smiled sweetly. "And I'm gonna love you back. And we're not gonna listen to anybody that tells us it's not healthy anymore. Because we aren't hurting anyone."
He stared into her eyes as she held his face gently in both hands.
"Love me as hard as you want to, okay?" she stated. "I'm sorry I told you that you couldn't."

He grabbed her face in his hands and pressed their lips together eagerly. He kissed as deeply as their lips could let them.
"I love you..." he said and kissed her again. "I love you." he repeated.
"I love you." She continued to kiss him back.