Vicious Saints [18+]

015: Frozen hearts beating anew

|Alysanne Valentine

Those grimy hands slids up my dress. I didn't want to wear it, they forced me to wear it. Only I realised it didn't matter what I wore, they all saw me as a toy and I felt so humiliated each time. I hate myself. That's my life and I hate the men who come here, they are evil.

They always call me Sweet Alysanne or Daddy's girl and it makes me want to vomit, I feel gross and I know that I am. I am damaged goods, no one will ever want me if they knew. No one will love me and I don't even love myself.

"Don't worry, sweetie. You have done this enough times that it won't hurt anymore." he whispered with a cruel smile on his lips.

The tears automatically started falling onto my cheeks. My heart is in pain, filled with terror even though I know what is coming.

"That's a good girl, you know how much I love it when you cry."

His hands lifted the dress off of me and I couldn't do anything but cry and lay there.

"Now, let's have some fun."

Jolting awake from the horrific nightmare. The past is a repulsive place I despise visiting but that doesn't stop them from forcing me to revisit every vile moment. My tank top is soaked in my sweat and fear, adrenaline consuming my stream that I could hear the vivid thumping of my terrified heart. It's ridiculous, years have passed and yet I still endure the same agonising torture of my past. There isn't a way in hell I would go back to sleep after that, it opened a vortex for my monsters to revisit; all different faces but the same evil creatures.

I laid in the bed, pondering over the events that took place prior. The sunlight started to peak through the metallic curtains and the clock on the bedside revealed that it is indeed seven am.

My uncle keeps Azarov and I up-to-date with the bounty placed on him but lately its been quite. Doesn't mean they took him off the list; just entails that they are planning something drastie and we need to prepare for that otherwise they will kill Azarov.

And I will never let that happen.

The past makes me hot-blooded, sheer
thoughts makes me aggravated. It's bitter-hatred on another level that made my body ltch with a need to devour, I desire when they beg to come out to play because that seal breaks within me, my head and soul completely drowning in the pain. The only advantage I have is being able to suppress those demons, I don't like dealing with the torture of forgiveness.

Therefore, I developed the unhealthy coping mechanism of pushing all unwanted emotions deep down into the pits of my own personal hell. I developed a lot of unhealthy coping mechanism; sex being the most prominent ones. However, the last person to ever touch me intimately was Rio a couple years ago and it only ever worked out in my favour because he didn't mind giving me control. We didn't harbour any affection past friendship and it was an arrangement of convenience.

I can't do relationships, never have. I can't give myself to someone wholeheartedly, I refuse to be vulnerable. That's one thing I can't relinquish; control.

But when it comes to Azarov. There is more than apprehension when it comes to him, I crave for him and its terrifying because he deserves someone who isn't afrald to commit, who can relinquish her control without a fight.