Vicious Saints [18+]

028: If only

|Alysanne Valentine|

Her rotten presence changed everything. Despite there perception, in my eyes they were forming a bond. They were enjoying each others company and now it all went down the drain because of her. Azarov and Sinnius will never let cracks form in there walls again, instead it will be higher and impenetrable. Brothers with pure souls, misunderstood from the beginning. One battling with loneliness and the other battling his demons that torment him.

Sinnius has no one on his side, loneliness follows him everywhere. Still, he doesn't make himself likeable to the rest of us. He remains true to himself but also pushing anyone who gets close to him away, since being alone is his safety net. But I don't want him to be alone. Its not something he truly wants, its obvious that Rebecca was the only one who made him feel like he wasn't alone. Too bad he chose the wrong fucking bitch.

Nothing can compare to the silence that continues to echo and the demeaning voices that claw at your mind.

Part of my heart aches for him. Sinnius is quite chaotic and mischievous but I find his soul to be precious. He isn't the nightmare that everyone portrays him to be, his love runs deeper than the ocean and it's a tragedy that he wasted it on such an ungrateful witch. He will protect who he loves, even if he has to sacrifice others. That does not make him a monster or make me hate him the way everyone else does.

Sinnius holds a special place in my heart.
Neither romantic nor platonic. I have the overwhelming urge to protect him from the emptiness that swallows him. Its one of the reasons why I am standing in his doorway, watching him pack. His midnight black hair completely curly, a few dangling on his forehead.

Sinnius must have sensed my presence since he halts his task and pulls out a cigarette, lighting it and inhaling his relaxer. I barely see him without one and it could be the only thing that's holding him together.

"Sweetheart, are you going to monitor me to make sure that I leave?" He teases but it not the same. His tone is stiffer and distant compared to the other times.

"You know that's not why I am here." Closing the distance between us but his eyes wouldn't meet mine, instead they stare at his suitcase.

The cigarette dangles loosely between his plush lips, smoke clouding his mouth but he never inhales. It continues to burn, the ashes falling onto his clothes and yet he never moves to dust them away. Through that blank stare in his eyes, I know his mind is in turmoil. Sinnius is only this silent when he is trying to process the situation and control the thoughts flooding his mind.

"Then why are you here, Alysanne?"

His eyes slowly connect with mine, the emptiness washing over them is so painfal that my heart aches. Agony and despair swirl as they overwhelm him in a way that actually makes me choke down a sob.

"I'm worried about you."

A humourless chuckle escapes his lips, "That's a first. I know you want me out of here just as much as he does."

Even though he mentions Azarov, he becomes infuriated and takes a deep pull from the cigarette. Unable to control his hatred.

"I've never wanted you out of the house. You guys were finally building a relationship that you should have had when both of you were younger." My words probably sparked something within him.

A small smile tugging on his lips, "Sweetheart, you aren't that delusional."

"And you aren't that blind to see what was happening, you felt it."

"Is that why he's kicking me out?" He laughs.

I frown, "You know he doesn't mean it."

Sinnius exhales, defeated. Closing his sultcase and dropping it onto the floor. "You want to believe that there is a connection between us but there never was. We aren't siblings, we share the same blood and that's as deep as our connection goes."

Swallowing the lump thats forming in m throat, the ache is too much that I already hear myself choking on the cries. I didn't think watching Sinnius leave would cause such a reaction, would affect me so much.

The severed bond between brothers that I desperately wanted to fix. My heart is heavy, the pain intensifying. The revelation is that I can't force them to create a bond when the damage has already been done.

Suddenly, Sinnius hand's captures my face, the pads of his thumbs swipe under my eyes. I could taste the saltiness of my tears and nicotine from his cigarette.

"Baby, I don't like seeing you cry." His voice is like hot chocolate during winter, soothing, warm and comforting.

"Don't forget me." I sobbed.

"I can't look into your eyes much longer, but they're all I think about. I memorized your face as if it's my mirror, or a prayer that needs to be said every night. I will forget my name before I forget you, Alysanne."

He gives me a reassuring smile but his figure is distorting from my tears. Wrapping my arms under his torso. His body is warm under my touch which I didn't expect. Tucking my face against his chest, the rapid pace of his heart feels like it would burst at any moment.

"Please. I don't want you to go, Sinn." I whisper.

I caught him off guard because it took him a few minutes before his arms wrapped around me, his chin resting on my head.

"When other people call me that; it's infuriating. But when it comes from you, it's loving. So tender." I can feel him smiling.

"At least someone will miss me when I'm gone." He added.

He kisses my forehead, unlocking my arms from him. "Sinnius—"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

Sinnius leans in, I am quite certain that he is going to kiss me and I instantly place my hands on his chest to push him away but he simply places a kiss on my cheek.

Soft, warm and loving.

Sinnius probably read my mind and chucked, "I wouldn't do that to you. I care for you too much, Alysanne."

I then cupped his cheek as he leaned against my hands, he then spoke; "You touch me and suddenly I feel a little less torn. I'm not sure what peace is supposed to feel like but I think it may feel a lot like you."

That's how he left, bringing me comfort. Instead of himself, we are bad people in our own ways, it's frustrating that no one is willing to give Sinnius a chance. Because his love is like fire, once you are burned, there is no going back.

"Sweetheart," he calls at the door.

"Yes?"

Sinnius smiles, "Maybe there is someone I can love and have apart from you and that's okay." he paused for a while, "I'll always be there when you need me. I promise you."

He is exactly the poem I wanted to write.

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