Girl You Fucked Before (18+)

Utter Numbness

A/N Trigger Warning: This chapter contains mentions of self-harm and bullying/violence.

Matt

I closed my eyes, listening to the roar of the waves as they lapped against the shore. A cutting breeze bit my cheeks and the sand felt gritty beneath my palms, but I didn't care. If I could label any place as home, this would be the one.

Shrouded in the darkness of the night, a reel of the best summer of my life hit play inside my head.

"Watch this, Mattie," my mother beamed, dumping a plastic bucket in the shape of a castle upside down onto the ground. I looked on with wide eyes as she gently lifted the toy and produced a beige turreted structure of grains. "And now," she continued, "We construct the moat. No castle is complete without one."

She dug her fingers into the sand, pushing aside wet clumps to form a trench while I rushed out towards the water line, cupping my hands into the foam to gather up the liquid for our build. My father emerged from the waves just then, finished with his swim. Reaching out, he ruffled my hair, and I walked alongside him, careful not to spill a single drop of the supply for the moat.

"Look, Daddy!" I cried, gesturing at the sandy piece of architecture as I dumped my handful into the trench. "Mommy made a castle for me."

Pulling me into her arms, she smothered my cheeks in kisses. "Of course, sweetheart. I couldn't let my prince go homeless."

My dad lowered himself onto the sand and the three of us stared out in a contented silence at the rolling waves that kissed the shore.

The beach had been her favorite place, she had always said. It was the only spot she could hear her own thoughts and where all the elements came together to coexist in one space- the fire from the warm sun, the salty breeze, the grains of the Earth beneath one's bare feet, and the sea.

The shore was her place, and it was the one spot that I could still feel her presence. Which is why I had come here tonight to remember her on the anniversary of her death. Sighing, I took a swig of the nip of alcohol that I had brought along with me. I wanted to feel numb. My toes began to tingle as the vodka slowly took its effect, my body shouldering any sensation so that my mind could go blank.

Falling back onto the sand, I spread my arms out and dug my fingertips into the grains. My touch landed upon a piece of jagged seashell, and I held it above my head, studying the sharp curves. I fisted the broken token of the sea and the rough bits cut into my flesh. But I could handle the physical pain. It was the emotional one that was so hard to cope with.

If only I could transfer the hurt from my thoughts onto my body...

Hovering my arm over my face, I pushed back the sleeve of my hoodie and studied the tattoo of my mother's name scrawled onto my forearm in looping cursive. Without even thinking, I dug the pointed edge of the shell across my skin, watching as a trail of blood oozed out in its wake. I pressed down even harder, unsatisfied with the miniscule amount of sadness unleased from my action.

A crimson droplet splashed onto the sand, coloring the grains scarlet and it instantly brought me back to the water dripping into the moat from my fingertips. She wouldn't want this for you, Matt.

Wetness trickled down my cheeks and my touch flew to my face. I caressed my tears, unaware that I had even been crying. With a loud growl, I tossed the shell into the water, the pounding of the surf masking the sound of the plop. I fell back against the grains once more and covered my eyes with my arms, willing the clock to strike midnight so that the day could be over with.

I didn't hear the voices right away. They were initially disguised as the call of the ocean but as they neared, there was no mistaking them. Raising myself onto my elbows, I squinted into the misty inkiness and noticed two shadowy figures approaching. The deep timbre of their tone was slurred, likely from a Saturday evening spent getting lost in a bottle.

And as they stumbled closer, it was obvious the duo was intoxicated. I lifted my hood up over my head as if it were a cloak of invisibility that would shelter me from their stares, but the garment proved useless. The pair paused as they approached and the taller of the men shielded his eyes, gazing in my direction.

"No fucking way," he said. "Scott, would you look at who it is."

My heart descended into the pit of my stomach and a wave of nausea passed through me as I recognized the voice as belonging to Troy Sullivan, the asshole that had tormented me all throughout school right alongside his buddy, Scott.

Scott scoffed loudly. "Shit. Is that little Matthew Jones?"

They continued walking closer to me, stopping when they were just a few feet away. They circled me as though they were vultures, and I swallowed, knowing that I was easily outnumbered on this deserted beach. The pair had the freedom to have as much fun with me as they wanted to and judging by the whiskey stench that radiated off them, I assumed they were hankering for a good sport.

"How are you doing, sweetheart?" Troy goaded, give me a light punch on the jaw. "Did you miss us?"

I shoved his fist away. "Fuck off unless you want to get your ass kicked again," I replied, referencing the time I had whooped his ass for making jokes about my dead mother.

The pair exchanged hearty laughter and Troy held up his palms. "Easy, honey. No need to get feisty with us. We're friends, remember?"

He plopped down beside me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. Pulling me in, he ruffed up my hair with my knuckles. "You always were a sensitive little bitch, though."

"Are you deaf? I said fuck off." I gave him another push and the amusement that shone in his eyes was instantly replaced by pure dark rage.

In a swift maneuver, he grabbed hold of my wrist and twisted. "You better watch that mouth of yours unless you're looking to eat sand tonight." Abruptly, he scrunched up his face before glancing down at the sticky moistness that coated his fingertips. With a snort of disgust, he tossed me off him, causing me to tumble back against the sand. "Are you fucking bleeding on me?"

"What the fuck?" Scott echoed. "What kind of sick and depraved ritual are you performing out here?'

Troy stared down at his palms, disbelief etched onto his features. "You've ruined my brand-new shirt, asshole." Before I could even react, he smacked me across the mouth with the back of his hand.

My vision instantly clouding with red, I raised my fist to slug him in the jaw, but I couldn't even make contact as Scott tackled me from behind. He captured both my arms with his and locked me firmly into place, allowing his friend easy access to me.

Troy stepped forward and proceeded to pummel me in the face while his friend egged him on. "This is for attacking Troy in high school, you dumb fuck. And this is for kissing Addison when you knew he wanted to take her out. And well, that one is just for being a wuss."

A metallic taste flooded my tongue as my mouth pooled up with blood and my sights blurred upon taking a punch to the eye. The pounding of the waves grew louder, and I realized that Scott was walking me over towards the surf. I stumbled over a mound of sand and fell to my knees.

His calloused hand squeezed the back of my neck as he shoved me down face first into the water. I tried to shout but only tiny air bubbles escaped my throat. Thrashing violently to get out of his grasp, I clawed at whatever my fingers laid contact with. My shouts remained muffled by the ocean that he held beneath the surface of. I struggled to breath, an invisible knife stabbing at my lungs and with every gulp I attempted to take, I only inhaled sand.

Just as I was on the cusp of blacking out, Troy yanked me out of the water by my hair and rolled me over onto my back. I gasped as I spit out the salty liquid and took in heaving gulps of air. The waves lapped at my drenched clothes, but my muscles were too stiffened to move.

"Let this be a lesson to you, Jones," Troy barked, his tone ice cold. "Keep your fucking mouth shut or we will silence it for you."

He hawked his spit onto my face as his goodbye to me before the duo walked away and I realized I had finally gotten what I had wished for, utter numbness.