chapter 17

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josephine lee

The minute I woke up, I texted Dad and Theo, letting them know I wasn't feeling well so I wouldn't be showing up today. Dad sent a sweet message telling me to get better while Theo called me. I hit the green accept button and turned the speaker on. I clear my throat as he awkwardly says hello. 

"Hi Ted," I say with a raspy morning voice. He doesn't say anything for a minute so I call out his name just to make sure he's still on the line with me. "Am I why you didn't show up today?" He asks regretfully like he wishes he could go back in time and use a different tone with me. My older sister heart breaks to think he feels so guilty for making me feel bad but he's not responsible for what's making me stay in. 

I sigh softly into the phone, feeling my whole chest cave in with the single breath I took. "No, no Ted I just feel anxious and would prefer to stay in today, just to get better." I explain to him, just wanting a day with little to no people. Before hanging up on me he asks me to let him know if I need anything throughout the day. I agree to let him know and toss my phone across from me once he's no longer on the phone with me. 

I know we were both upset with one another, but sometimes he can be so sweet and thoughtful. It tears my heart to pieces. I sometimes feel like I don't even deserve him, and he's tied to me for the rest of our lives. 

After moping in bed, all sweaty from last night I pull myself out of bed for a quick shower. I lay out my entire routine on the bathroom counter, watching the mirror fog up. I take my pajamas off and step into the shower, right under the water to warm me up. I let the water wash my worries away, and once I get out I feel like a new person. 

Around 4:00, I get a knock on my door and I almost don't want to answer but I do.  The minute my door opens Theo runs straight in and jumps on my bed making himself comfortable. He starts telling me about his day, forgetting the tension we had between us yesterday. "Dad had a blast, he was smiling from ear to ear. It was adorable." He laughs. Even though my Dad is no longer playing in the NHL, I'm glad he gets to work within it since it clearly makes him happy. 

We talk about my day, but there isn't much to say. Theo fills the silence by telling me that Jack asked about me. He keeps his voice soft and gentle like he's informing me just to let me know not to use it against me. "Did he?" I ask, suppressing my smile by licking my dry lips. "Yeah, I told him you weren't feeling good and he got worried, but I told him to give you a day." He tells me, causing me to try to picture exactly how he got worried, and what he said word for word. 

"Did Dad talk to him at any point?" I ask, nervous about the answer. I know Jack wouldn't say anything but I would prefer to be present when they do speak. He shakes his head, "No, they didn't, but you need to eat." He says, cutting my thoughts of Jack off. Theo knows very well that after a panic attack, my social anxiety skyrockets making it really difficult to talk to random people, so I avoid it at all costs. 

He orders some room service for the two of us and watches some cartoons with me until it's time for him to go to bed. He tosses any trash out and kisses the very top of my head before saying, "Alright, call me if you need anything Jos. I'll see you tomorrow." he says, messing up my hair. I whisper goodnight to him with a nod as he closes the door behind him, leaving me to lock it. 

Tomorrow will be better. There's something in me that feels a little brighter and it feels like the statement holds a bit of truth to it and isn't just me lying to myself.

-

When I wake up the next day around noon, the anxious feeling that was consuming my whole body has settled. I didn't expect it to vanish into thin air, but this is close enough. I can work with this. I get out of bed and start getting ready for my long day. I start with a quick shower, then move on to my hair and makeup. 

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