Hues After The Rivalry (Achievers Series #1)

Kabanata 40

Hues After The Rivalry

Kabanata 40

Papa died because he couldn't handle the days without her anymore. The loss of my mother, his only love, our light, made him leave our beautiful home.

It was too much to handle. Gusto ko na lang din mamatay. Gusto ko na lang din sumunod. Gusto ko na lang silang sundan para kumpleto na ulit kaming tatlo. I couldn't take the pain. I couldn't take all the loneliness.

Nagising na lang akong, wala na sa akin ang lahat.

It's dark. Everything... is dark.

Ang dalawang taong unang tumanggap sa pagkatao ko, pareho nang wala sa tabi ko.

Wala ng ilaw ang tahanang punong-puno ng kulay noon. Tuwing gabi, palaging kong ipinagdadasal na sana kunin na lang ako ng dilim. Na sana mamatay na lang ako nang hindi ko namamalayan. Na sana, may pumatay na lang sa akin o papatay bigla.

Sa pagkawala nila, sunod-sunod ang paghihirap ko. Nawalan ako ng boses, naging limitado ang lahat ng galaw ko, there were times I could not sleep for two or three days, I would suddenly lose consciousness, and there were moments when my hearing would just disappear. I was admitted to the hospital for four months due to a Major Depressive Disorder and Chronic Disease. Whenever I saw a syringe, I freak out and panic. Because hospitals and medicines had traumatized me, I received home care.

Gusto ko nang patayin ang sarili ko. Wala akong marinig. Wala akong makita. Ang dilim.

Mag-isa na lang ako.

"Iwan niyo muna ako," I said lowly.

"We'll just stay in the car, Rai," Sov gently stroked my hair. "Just raise your hand and we'll get back to you right away."

Naramdaman ko pa ang hagod ni Eris sa likod ko bago sila umalis.

I stayed there, looking at the two tombstones, with a wheelchair as my sole support.

"Miss ko na kayo, Ma, Pa..."

I felt so alone. Kahit pa nariyan sina Tita Kath, Lola at Lolo, mga pinsan, at mga kaibigan ko, hindi sila sapat para maramdaman kong hindi ako nag-iisa. Their presence don't help me. Hindi sila ang dahilan para lumaban ako.

"Come back to me, please. Please, Ma, balik na kayo ni Papa."

But I know it will never happen again. No matter how I beg the Heavens. No matter how I kneel and pray to God.

I opened the white envelope in my hands. Kinuha ko ang sulat doon na siyang itinabi sa akin ni Papa bago niya ako iwan.

Hi, Rivalry. I think you know that you are the best daughter in our world. I always thank God that you are my daughter, Hope. You are beautiful, you are so loving, you are so brave. You have your mother's eyes, and I feel so blessed that you two look into my eyes like I am the best man in the world. Hope, thank you for making me feel that I'm the best father in the world.

Mahal na mahal kita, anak. Please live your life happily. I want you to be happy, despite all the pain. I want you to conquer the battles that I failed to fight.

Perhaps, as you read this, I'm already with your mother. I'm being unfair again. Forgive me if I didn't join you in the fight we should have faced together. Hindi ako kasing-tapang mo, 'nak, e. Mas matapang ka sa akin. You're braver than me, and I know you can get through this. Promise me that you'll live with happiness.

Susundan ko lang ang Mama mo, 'nak.

Labanan mo ang lahat ng sakit, ha? Hindi ka habang-buhay na magiging malungkot. Ang kasiyahan mo ang sasapat sa amin ni Mama mo. Alam kong mas may itatapang ka pa. I'm a hundred percent certain that you'll win this battle, my love. I love you, 'nak!