The Insanity of a Wallflower

Child's Lie- XXV

A L Y S
.....

I stared at the ceiling above me, watching the simple dust float from joist to joist. The high arc of the ruined wood rose to a blackness above, to where the shadows thrived in the absence of the light. But just below those hidden cloves in the high ceiling, slowly drifting through the atmosphere; the little specs of dust seemed to move and sway gently in their illuminated dance. They felt peaceful.

My eyes cracked left, following the delicate rays of light to the wooden planks that encased the window. Perhaps I should find something to tear them down. The idea of sunlight felt nice, like perhaps it could chase away the darkness of my thoughts too. I wanted to try it suddenly, stand in those beams and gaze at the sun; hoping against hope that was the remedy to this all.

Instead my hand rose bit by bit and uncaringly rotated in the air; fingers moving and trembling, rough and bloody. 

I wondered idly if I should find something to clean them with.

I gingerly sat up; swaying slightly as I adjusted to the rush it sent through my head.  I breathed deeply before finally finding my footing and walking off the stage of the old theatre. Again I swayed for a moment, and I clutched the railing as I fought the wave of sensations that ran over me.

"Too long..." I whispered to myself. Two days was too long of a time, but yet I secretly knew I had needed every precious second of it to calm down. I fought to leave the stupor behind, feeling the nausea and tremor moving beneath my skin.  I found the lockers on the side of the wall and opened them up forcefully; the rust fighting my strength the whole way.

The water bottles I had stocked in there years ago were still untouched, as were the packets of gum, Advil, and a small bobble head toy of a Mexican dog. I flicked my finger against his head and watched as it danced around. 

I glanced left at the posters along the walls, breaking the cap to my water and furiously drinking the contents. The images always bothered me as a kid when I came here; how fake the children looked, smiling up at the doctors; forcefully quoting the lines A good patient is a good helper. We can do this!

Of course none of us ever believed in the inspiration around us. These side buildings, always designed to appear like healthy activity centers, still reeked of a doctors, lawyers, and pills. But I had found peace here none the less.  After the closure of this theatre/art center when I was young, I would still sneak away from the clinic next door, through the small wooded path and through a hole in the fence, to my sanctuary.

Perhaps one day, when their funds returned, they would open it back up. But not today, not now; the structure was miserably abandoned. I pondered whimsically if someone would at least find comfort that this place still helped one, even in its bareness.

It was getting late again; I knew I should probably head to the motel down the street. But I honestly couldn't remember if I stayed there the past few days. I remembered paying for three nights, but I'd be dammed if I could recall using it.

I tilted my head further back, letting the rest of the warm water rush through, but stopped suddenly at the noise from outside the hall. I lowered the bottle and turned my head in fear, unsure if it was my mind playing tricks or if there was somebody in the building with me.

If the facility through the woods called the cops or even security- I was screwed.  I held still, mindful any movement on my part would squeak the old wooden floors beneath me. My eyes scoured the entrance to this room, all too near to me, watching and waiting for any sign of if it having just been my imagination.

But a flashlight shined under the base of it, the knob began turning, and so I quickly dropped the bottle and darted away- the floors instantly groaning under my weight. Whoever was behind the door threw it open at that point, and loud footfalls sprinted right after me, and before I had a chance to leap high up onto the stage headed for the back doors, I was caught.