The Insanity of a Wallflower

Malice- II

I patiently watched the page beneath me. My pencil-lead traced beneath those orbs in its simple patterns; writing out each number as my thoughts connected the answers. Calmly I wrote the next solution to the equation.

Another page of a book flipped by. I ignored the noise to the right of me and continued scribbling more number sequences beneath me. But yet I was distastefully aware of Him. Every breath he took, every movement he made... it reminded me every second of every day of who I sat by.

I was already excessively conscious of those next to me, so how did it become I had to sit next to the very person I despised the most here?!! I forced my face to be expressionless... I forced another answer to be left behind by my pencil.

He had never noticed me... And I wanted it to stay like that. I wanted to be nothing more than another face when his eyes glided by. I was a wallflower; contentedly and utterly peacefully so. And though I knew I could have a normal social life; especially with Karri by my side... I still wanted nothing more than to disappear into my surroundings. But he could change all that.

If I got on the wrong side of him; my peaceful existence would end. And as much as I hated him- I wasn't about to cross him.

"Class, you have ten more minutes to finish your tests."

My eyes rose to the clock, but in time to see a basketball player lean back into his seat swiftly. The camera on his phone closed just in time for it to be swept back into his pocket. The girl next to him seemed oblivious to her skirt which had slightly risen; and though her ankles were crossed, the same closure didn't extend all the way up to her knees.

I watched blankly for only a second longer before I finished my glance to the clock and back down to my paper. But instantly, I was aware of Hayden's gaze into my direction; those silver orbs staring straight towards me. My heart drummed loudly but I calmly wrote some incoherent set of numbers and fake equations, my wallflower persona naturally clamping down any movements in this moment of instinctual panic. My mind couldn't think past that.

Don't notice me... Don't notice me.

Had he seen me watching Michael? Was he waiting for my reaction?

I felt some sweat began to dampen my hands. Hayden surveyed people like I did; the wolf always kept on eye on the herd. And I might have just mistakenly caught his interest. Panic began to engulf my internal system. I could picture it so easily; his emotionless gaze consuming what was before him, his mind devouring my persona; evaluating the puppet he had yet to play with. He would, after all, be curious as to why I had no reaction after seeing what I did.

No, I whispered internally. No one will think twice about you. Even if he's watching you, you are not going to be interesting enough to be worth his time.

Still, some core fear, craving, demanded to know if my camouflage had been discerned. It was engrained into my system for so many years now; a thought-process of coping and escaping.

I couldn't be seen. I didn't want to be found.

My eyes danced to my note card held tightly in my right hand. I raised it slightly, as if to read one of the equations, but it allowed enough of my peripheral to graze his face and where his eyes were still looking.

Over my head... My eyes closed for half a second. He had only been watching Michael with the same blankness that I had...

I almost sunk into my chair in relief. I erased my mindless scribbles and finished the last bit of my test. Hayden calmly went back to his book unaware of my barely subsiding chaos. The whole situation felt all too familiar; my fear that I had caught his gaze once again. I couldn't help but to think of when I had first met him...