Zbirka Bizarnosti

Since The End

When I started writing these short stories, few years back, in 2017. My inspiration was the absolute horrors of life, physichal, mental, emotional, trajectory of human emotions which continuosly spiralled up and down. Continous question that was behind the curtains of many of the stories was, Who Am I?

Throughout the years I lost myself more times than I can count, and at that time I never understood how, why, or even what it was I was looking for or is it real?

My very first story started after my first big break up, my first big change of trajectory of my emotional and mental state.

My first "serious" loss.

Then I begun to realize, what is a break up? A simple decision, a few words locked in a sentence. What is a loss?
Loss of all the energy and work put into something.
How much of it was even real?
Well, the answer I concluded with was that, everything in nature must change. And so do people in our lives. Some come some go.

If you are a man or a woman of firm attitude, strong beliefs and objective mind capable of critical thinking. It becomes clear as a sky... but that is a topic for a another day.

Today's story is about markers of my journey since the beginning of this short story series to what changed in the end and after.

As I wrote, my very first inspiration came in a form of chaotic mystery and questioning myself and reality of all things.

Therefore, a new horrific, mad but sometimes funny universe sparked with characters that will suffer greatly.

Sometimes I wrote about emotions... and other times I tried to carry an emotion into a story. Sometimes I wanted absolute chaos.
Sometimes I wanted to question reality of existence and importance of everything.
Sometimes I wanted the universe to have whole different set of rules and laws and push characters into it.
My characters felt like my puppets.

I guess that's where it all came from. Inability to control an outcome in reality transcended into control over short horror stories.
Most of these stories I never published. Some I felt went too far. Some I toned down and published. Some I deleted altogether after realizing level of distrubance in them.

And so It came that after ten published stories I had fifteen deleted. I wanted to stop writing these right there and then when I realized "Zbirka Bizarnosti" will not be what I wanted it to be.

But then after all, it was never really about the book.

In my eyes it turned into nonsense. So the Bizzarity in the stories turned from disturbing horrors into insanity.

Over time comedy took over. Sometimes depression and sadness. and then again back into new set of laws for the universe that story will depict.

Whole thing seemed like madness to me but I enjoyed creating it.

I never liked leaving things unfinished so this creation deserved it's end as well.

And a perfect end came to me. The way it's started: the break up.

First story was about my first and the last story was about my last, a whole circle, an opportunity to put an end to all this... so I did.

I had many more stories I wanted to tell here but I felt like a desire in me to write stories was dying.

My heart has turned into a stone and I no longer had emotions necessary to tell stories.

That was my last real change. Now years back but a final change. Since then only growth.

I used to trust many and love noone, and now I love many and trust none.

Real depression would take over me at a thought of change. A loss.
But loss is nothing but a change  and change is inevitable part of life. After those very big realizations in my eyes I never again felt sad in my life. I never again felt depression, never again had an urge to die like I did when I was younger.

Oh yes death, a Reoccurring character throughout my stories.

Amidst all the chaos, death had a face of peace... there is a strong sense of peace in knowing things will end soon, like a last day at work, last day in school... there's a calming and comforting feeling in knowing everything is going to end.

I think about death every single day now for many years... long time ago it used to scare me, now I only pray I finish all my tasks before my time comes.

I had many close calls and had felt death breathing on my neck but one of the worst was during my motorcycle crash.

I crashed into a car at very high speed and surprisingly survived with no serious injuries except a constant never ending pain in my body, back and bones. But I never cared about pain. It's meaningless to me.

When I crashed and came back to myself realizing what happened and that I'm laying over my ruined machine, first thing I did was twitched my dick. It worked. Good.
Then I wiggled my toes. It worked. Good.
Then and only then I checked my teeth with my tongue and rest of my head and neck.

It was a miracle, and til the end of my days I will be thankful to God for saving my life.

At such high speed it's unbelievable I am alive, not to mention I broke no bones.

Death, I wrote so much about in many of my stories, death I thought of every single day did not claim me just yet.

As I said, I am in constant never ending pain, it hurts every single day and it might will for years or for life.

...But that sensation of pain I never gave too much attention too. I was too busy with betrayals,  loves, romances, backstabbings, religion, chess... all those things took away my pain. My physichal pain was absolutely forgettable.
I never felt tired, I never felt like I had any limitations and overworked myself a few times to the point of being glued to a bed for months, to the points of losing coincense from exhaustion.

My body fell more times than I can count, but my spirit never failed.

I guess... In a way... I punished myself for failed relationships and for friends who betrayed me.

Since the end, I learned I trust no one and I am calmer than ever, I respect myself more than ever and whenever someone finds them offended by the fact I have no trust and reliance upon anyone, I remind them that all people came and went and that once they spent their life alongside me, I will say I trust them, probably.

My heart aches for writing, but I no longer feel that set of emotions.
I have clear goals and clear idea who I am now, because of that, emotions became meaningless to me as well, I realized emotions are fake and easily manipulated so after finding the truth, they disappeared, as simple as that, no more emotions, only clear reason.

And life has never been more beautiful, now I appreciate every single breath I take and I'm enough to myself. Something I didn't realize the importance of til recently. I became everything to myself and nothing else matters.

As long as I follow myself, I make no mistakes.

All that came from remembering death.

Some people find death scary, it's Horror for them.

But in my stories, Death is a friend, the most comforting one.

Death as a character is not a real "horror" monster.

And true horror does not lie among big horned hairy beasts and monsters.

Horrors are in twisted, disturbed, familiar but unrecognizable persons.

That's the Bizzarity.

So to wrap this up, since the end, the most important thing that happened is that I finally understood myself. I finally found out about who I am and the beauty of it is, for years I tried to make others understand me... and now that no one really does, I am at the most peaceful place in my life... now I understand myself and no one else, no one else has the key. No one will ever understand who I am, and I will never care of who anyone else is.

I am here, living peaceful life with myself. And that's everything I ever needed.
Now I realize that.
Everything had led me to this.
Peace.