MLA's Daughter-in-law

July (22- 23)

22 July 1999   

As always he says that he needs me here, to promote his father for the campaign. He said that we were short on time and hands. If I start now then it would take me nearly 20-25 days to visit almost all the households.

I don't grasp why he is so adamant about making me part of this campaign, even when his father doesn't like this approach. He rarely allows my mother-in-law to be part of public gatherings and I can only speculate that this is because of his orthodox thinking.

Maybe it is too soon to say that I get mixed vibes from Shrawan. These days I am feeling something is off from his end. It seems as if he is hiding something from me.

You can say that is why I am not asking him directly if I have these hunchs. It is because he is too busy these days and we rarely get any chance to talk with each other. In my eyes, things like these need time and it is of no use if I ask him this on a phone call or during his short stay at home.

Sometimes I think that maybe I am the problem, I am not a good wife that is why he is keeping his distance.

Gosh... I need help. How many times Vijaya you need to remind yourself that you are fine? You are giving more than you are receiving, so you don't need to be hard on yourself.

It doesn't matter whether one says this or not, you were a good daughter who always listened to her parents (okay, not always, but like 80%). The only reason for the controversy between us was because of my education and job, so I could let it slide.

I am a promising daughter-in-law, I never asked questions, never raised my voice at them. I am trying hard to not ask questions. I am doing my best to stay grounded and not to indulge in their private affairs.

I am an extraordinary wife, who cares for her husband and is willing to shake the world the him. Maybe I have written too much, you understand my sentiments, right? I even gave him a second chance so that we both could understand each other more and I always tried my best to leave no space for misunderstanding.

Then why he is like that, why he is not speaking his heart out? If he told me everything directly then it would become super easy for me to avoid any sort of mistakes. In addition to that it will strengthen our relationship.

There is this awkward silence in our conversation. It seems as if we both want to say something, but we are holding ourselves.

Trust me the situation is annoying, and it is upsetting that I don't know how to handle it.

Yours Vijaya

23 July 1999

I will talk with him today no matter what happens.

Finger cross

Yours Vijaya

24 July 1999

He took me to my parent's house today. How does he figure out that I wanted to talk about that?

It is not the first time, things like this have happened. It took place in the past as well, I forget the count.

On our way back he said that he wanted to take me there and met his in-laws as well, that's why he stopped me from going there. Furthermore, he had piles of work that's why he was not getting free time to take me there.

All my anger vanished in thin air as he apologized. I have realised a thing I can't stay angry with him for too long, that's because I love him, he is my husband after all.

I told him what happened at home a few days ago. His cool tone becomes stressful in merely a second. "Next time Vijaya, try to stay away from these matters. I don't want you to get hurt."

I know that I can't let an innocent person suffer, at any cost I will interfere. That's why I changed the topic.

My name from his mouth sounds very utopian. I love my name but when he calls me by my name, I feel butterflies in my tummy. It is almost six months since we got married, so maybe it should not be like that.

No, it should always be like that otherwise the charm will lost.

Should I tell you something funny,  I forgot my marriage date. I just left writing you the moment I remembered that I had forgotten and began to search for our marriage card. 

Sadly,  I didn't find it.  So I went back in time, I mean I read my January journals and found it.  We got married on 28 January and I was scared of marriage.

Indeed marriage is a dangerous decision. And they say those who eat wedding laddus will regret it, and those who don't will regret it as well. So, it's better to regret it after eating it. 

I don't regret much after the wedlock. Because Shrawan is a decent husband and most of the time he tries to make me comfortable.

So far he is a good listener, though he can't do much about the situation going on in our home.  He tries his best to make sure that I am unaffected by that. 

I don't have many complaints about Shrawan. But,  I don't like his parents.  I know I should not be saying this but what can I do?  I can't force myself to like them. The only thing that I can do is hold myself back.

I think I am doing fine in that, thankfully. Let's see how long it takes me to stand against them and fight for the right reason. 

I don't remember exactly from where I have heard it, but it goes like this, "Ignore everything around you, and when you think that you can't lie to yourself anymore. Gave every person some chance and when you think you are done with them, fight with all of you."

I don't want this to happen, still, let's see what his future holds for me. 

Yours
Vijaya