"Every time I pull my hair
it was only out of fear
That you'd find me ugly
And one day you'll disappear"
🫧🫧🫧
As I got ready, there was some voice at the back of my head, screaming at me. Now that I took time to think about it, I realized how stupid it was to just leave. If I didn't leave, I wouldn't be beating myself up about not knowing what he could've said. I wouldn't be making up fake scenarios about him saying those three words.
But then I remember one of the reasons. I don't want to get my hopes up. Who knows? He could've wanted to say that he's done with me, and that he's tired or he found someone new. I don't want to set myself up for rejection, I don't want to acknowledge it only to find out I was the only one. There are a million girls crushing on Xavier, not only the people from my school. I notice the way people look at him and keep looking at him when we hang out, and I don't blame anyone, but it's a constant reminder that if he likes someone else, there's no way he's getting rejected.
"Hey, Amy." I snapped out of it, lifting my eyes from the food to Vanessa.
"Sorry." I smiled apologetically, but she only frowned.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine." I sighed. She nodded, but not before giving me a look that said 'we will talk about it later.' "I'm gonna go to the bathroom." I didn't wait for her or Mia to reply, instead I just stood and left the cafeteria.
The hallways were pretty much empty, except for the few people heading towards the direction I just came. Nessa dragged me to the cafeteria extra early, so we could get our food extra early, eat extra early, and I'll feel better. But it didn't work. The lack of something to focus on pushed me into my usual spiral of thoughts, until I didn't feel like eating anymore.
After giving myself a little pep talk in the bathroom, I sighed heavily before heading out to the halls again. But I didn't even take three steps out when someone called my name. I froze up for a second when I realized it was a male voice, but when I realized it wasn't his male voice, I relaxed.
"Hey." Jason appeared beside me, a grin lighting up his face.
"Hi, Jace."
"Don't think I didn't notice you freezing up when I called you. Are you ok?"
Damn. Why did I have to spend eight months with him? Now I can't even hide anything.
"I'm fine." I lied, knowing full well he doesn't believe me.
"You're not, but ok."
"It's complicated, ok? Something happened and I did something stupid yesterday and now I can't get out of my head. I ran away again. I have no idea why I always do that."
It seems like I can run from everything but my head.
"Does this have to do with Xavier?" He asked, earning him a suspicious look in response. "Ok ok don't answer that." He chuckled.
"Thanks so much for the help." I rolled my eyes.
"You need to stop running, Amy." He stopped walking, turning to place his hands on my shoulder, looking me straight in the eyes. "I doubt Xavier was going to say anything bad, maybe you could've been talking and laughing with him right now, maybe your relationship could've been stronger because of what he said. You could miss out on really amazing things when you run from them, you know?"
"I know, but you know that when I'm overwhelmed that's the only thing I think to do. Like, I literally don't know what else to do. I need space and time to think everything through, but then when I do think everything through I realize that running was the worst choice." I rant. "It's like...a kind of endless cycle I can't escape, just like my thoughts."
