"It's 2 am and I'm continuously brainstorming. There's always something missing. I don't think I'll ever figure out what. When I'm at my highest state of mind, I still feel a void. I talk about the same 3 things: I've changed, taking something to learn from it and having no reason not to live life being happy. But when feelings come flooding back, no matter what they are, it fucks up my system. You feel lost again. Do you think I'll spend my life trying to figure out what's missing? The flood of my feelings make me feel everything, good and bad. Wondering if I'm going to go back to the mindset I had before. Also recognizing that it doesn't just happen. Without noticing, it's a choice. You let yourself go back to the thoughts and feelings you're all too familiar with; instead of pushing yourself to create new ideas, new quotes, new sayings, new passions, anything that'll keep your mind in the beautiful place it's in now. Who knows where it'll go. The key is to remember you're in complete control of everything. You always have a choice. Thinking about it, I have a ton of thoughts. The missing piece? Is it just all my unfinished thoughts bundled together? It honestly could be. I think way too much and I love it, but none of my thoughts are at a complete closure. They never will be. Maybe that's what's missing." - journal entry 9.24.17
