24.
For some reason I guess I've always felt like things would feel different at 24.
For some reason I thought I'd feel happier, healthier, skinnier, prettier and more whole.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for my life and the for the things that I have. I'm grateful for the birthday party my sister threw for me last minute. But honestly I think deep down I will always be hurt. There's a home missing in my chest from basically unfinished business.
I wish Kayla would talk to me. Either way it sucks and I'm still sad. 24 hasn't felt different.
I wish I could write a book about my life, but no one would want to read it except for me. It wouldn't be interesting enough for others. I wish I could just quit everything else and focus on writing. I'm really grateful for the birthday that I had and the people that I shared it with.
My old friend Kyle texted me today. It meant a lot. Even if it was Snapchat or Facebook that reminded him, it still shows that he cared enough about me.
How do you have the best year of your life when you're hurting inside? I've always had this theory that 24 is the best age to be. I have no clue why I thought that. But here I am, finally 24. One of my goals for 24 is to write every day or at least every day that I can. The most in touch with myself I have been was when I was writing. Life is so weird lately, so different than it used to be. You get used to a certain life and then it all changes one day. Good change or bad change, it's funny because you're still you at the end of the day and nothing really feels that different, even though your life is totally different than what it used to be.
Even if I don't get a chance to write this shit down in pages, I at least can record it on my phone.
I'm headed back to my dad's house now and definitely going to clean up a bit before I go to bed, hopefully that'll show him I am grateful for the things that he does for me and I'm happy to help him.
The moon is lighting up the sky tonight. I wish I spent more time sitting in my car thinking like I used to. Or more specifically, having that healing feeling when you are outside on a cool night in Laytonsville, looking up at the sky. I've spent so many nights like this. Yeah, I think most of the time I was depressed, but I really wish I treasured those days more. Some things you can never really get back.
