Wait ed. (Carla-Billy's Story)

Begin Again

Then he smiled, touched my cheeks, and the last thing I heard was, "Breathe, Patricia", before I felt his lips on mine again, my eyes suddenly closed, giving in... again.

After five, ten seconds, I felt him slowly moved away, his hand still on my cheeks, and his face still close to mine. I have my eyes closed, trying to tame my beating heart.

Think, Carla! That kiss doesn't mean anything.
It's confession time, and there's supposed to be moving on after, remember?

"I love you, Patricia. I have loved you since then", I heard him whispered, and I knew somehow, he's waiting for me to open my eyes and say something. But I'm still thinking, and I can't think if I see him.

"Carla...", I heard Miggy somewhere behind me, and that somehow has saved me from another mistake that I was quite certain I was a few seconds away from committing.

I felt Billy slightly turned his head, most probably giving Miggy that look, willing him to take a step back, but I have just woken up, and I felt like I want to stay that way.

I slowly opened my eyes, and I knew he felt that I was looking at him.

I touched his face, while I kept on reminding myself of our history.
No... not that history...
But the history that only I was there to witness.
All the waiting, the heartaches, the doubts...
The self-blaming... the always putting him first... and yeah, the heartache... lots of it.

I smiled at him, then I whispered, "Goodbye, Billy".

I immediately stood up, wanting to have some space between us. He can't hijacked my closure and opened that book that I have already decided to close.

But come to think of it- there's actually no book to open, unless we're talking about all those cute childhood stories.
Or maybe, yeah, all those daydreams, late-night googling of all those "signs" and "crumbs"- maipilit lang na maybe, he also likes me.
I would even anonymously post sa quora or any public forums and asked why would a guy kiss you on the forehead? Or what does it mean when a guy promised to find you no matter what?
Daig ko pa gumawa ng alternate universe sa story naming dalawa.
I just realized, delulu lang talaga ako.
I've been living in my fantasy world, changing the plot and the script, because I was so in love with him... or our story... or both.

"Miss!", I heard him said, as I was five steps away from him.

Seriously...
Can't he just give me this one?

But just like all those times before, he has this invisible hold on me.
And regardless of how many times I tell myself to stop, forget him and just let go- I simply wouldn't listen.
He said he loves me... he has loved me from then.

Then I remember that Tangled story when Rapunzel asked Flynn what if her dream is not everything she dreamed it would be. Flynn was too certain that it would be... but what if it's not? Because that could happen.

What if I just thought Billy is whom I want, but in reality, I was just too scared to let go of that "love" because I have been planning for our wedding for fifteen years now? 

Or what if, us being together is really my ultimate dream, but I am traumatised by all of my what if's? I have already made a lot of stories about us before, and so far, this is the version with the list alteration. What if I'll have my hopes up, only to be let down again? What if my fear is much bigger than my dream?

I shook my head, waking me up from that internal monologue. I stopped, turned around and looked at him. "What is it this time?"

I saw him smiled, then he closed the distance between us, and I saw him offered his hand. "William Benjamin. Billy", he said, looking at me.