Choices | Kim Namjoon FF |

Chapter Twenty-One: Namjoon

I am an emotional wreck right now. I don't even remember much of Saturday's drive after Ae-ra confessed to cheating on me. I don't know how we made it to her place, I don't know how I got home, and I definitely don't know how I've been able to keep myself...somewhat together. I've literally shut myself away in my home from everyone.

I can't think straight. Why would she do that to me? What did I do for her want to cheat on me? Did I...did I do something wrong? What's wrong with me that she couldn't have just talked to me? What am I missing that this other person has?

I check my phone and see that Chae-rin has texted me. Am I okay? No, I'm not okay. I don't even want to think about it! It's just...I can't seem to get my mind from replaying her words! Ugh. I toss my phone onto my coffee table and take chug down the rest of my beer before I toss the can. I miss the trashcan and it ends up on the floor. Oh well.

I feel like complete shit. I feel bad for leaving Chae-rin at the campsite and taking Ae-ra home. I shouldn't have volunteered so quickly and I shouldn't have left her. She only went because I begged her. She went with me and she should have come home with me too. I left her all too eagerly so that I could have time with Ae-ra. And for fucking what? For her to break me all over again? I can't bring myself to call Chae-rin to tell her what happened. I can't bring myself to hear her voice because I know if I do, I'll start crying again.

Monie stares at me with his dark, puppy eyes as he tilts his head to the side. "Don't guilt trip me," I mumble, opening another can of beer. He barks at me softly and I snort. "What? I don't want to talk to her, Monie. She's going to make me tell her everything and I just can't. I don't want to cry."

It's ridiculous that I am having a conversation with my dog. I'm pretty drunk, so it's more amusing to me than anything else. I take a huge gulp and place my beer on the table beside me as I rest my head against the sofa. I just need to be numb for a little bit. I will deal with all of this...later. For now, I just need to zone out and be alone.

The next morning, I wake up to a missed call from Chae-rin. She's left a voicemail for me. I don't want to listen to it yet... I slowly make my way out of bed, a hangover intact, and go wash up. After I finish changing, I walk into my kitchen to grab some water and aspirin. I drink the entire water bottle as it chases down the aspirin. I let out a sigh. How is it only Tuesday? I feel like time is moving so slowly.

Monie rushes over to me, his tail wagging as he sits. I smile at him before I take him outside for a small walk. He enjoys exploring and I guess I need some air from my stuffy apartment. As Monie explores a bush nearby, I stand in the grass spacing out. I guess a good thing about being a producer is having the ability to work from home.

We return back to my apartment and I put some food in Monie's bowl before scrounging up some breakfast for myself too. I don't have much of an appetite right now. So, I opt for some toast and coffee. I make my iced americano while the bread is in the toaster and flashbacks of Chae-rin trying to use my espresso maker fills my mind. I tried teaching her after I saw her struggling that one time, but she still doesn't know how to use it. She's scared of the steam. I smile softly and return to my toast.

Today is going to be another long day. I'm not a religious person, but I am praying that today somehow goes by quickly. If I immerse myself into work, maybe I'll be able to forget much of this pain. It's like my heart is being shredded over and over again, no matter how hard I'm trying to fix it. There's a pit where my stomach should be and I get this rush of panic. It feels absolutely horrible.

That night, when I'm getting ready for bed, I remember that Chae-rin left me a voicemail. When I'm settled in bed, I finally play it.

"Hi Joon," she says in her soft, sweet voice. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I don't know what happened from Saturday to now, but...well, just call or text me okay? If you need me, let me know and I'll be there. Tonight, we're doing a barbeque at my place with everyone else. I hope you'll come, but it's okay if you don't. I'll see you for my graduation, right? I'm so nervous but excited." She sighs before finishing, "Alright, I hope you have a good day. Bye."