Love Letter

Such A Beautiful Day....

"Well, it's a lovely day. Let's not spoil it with the minutiae. Thanks again, doctor. Perhaps you'd be so kind as to send me all the details in an email?" Ali stood and smiled, her eyes glazed, her mouth set into a thin line.  Never, ever, had she been so angry. How dare they do this. How dare they. After all she'd - they'd - been through? Now they told her THIS?

"Ali? I don't think Mr MacDonald was quite finished..." Tom turned and spoke to her softly. He knew she was seething, devastated, and just plain overwhelmed. So was he, but she needed to hear him out.

"He may not be, but I am. You stay Tom. Im going. He has nothing to say I want to hear right now." She pulled away and strode to the door. "Meet me at the car when you're done?"

With that, she left, the door closing if not with a bang, a decisive thud.

"Oh dear." Tom shook his head. "That went about as well as it could under the circumstances." He looked at the consultant. "I'm so sorry.  I know it's not your fault, and so..."

"Mr Hiddles..., Tom, please..." David MacDonald had been a consultant oncologist for twenty years. There was nothing he hadn't seen or heard. This was nothing new and definitely nothing personal. "It's quite ok. She's upset. Some people get quiet and turn their face, as they say, to the wall. Others, like Ali, get angry. At the world. At me. I don't mind. In fact, I often find THAT option reassuring."

He looked at Tom.

"So, how are YOU feeling about it?" He smiled gently, resting his chin on his linked fingers.

"Me? Oh. Well. Erm. I don't... I mean..." For once, Tom was dumbfounded. He really had no idea what to say. It had been a momentous morning......

"Good morning, Ali! Tom! Come away in.  Thanks for coming in so early. Please take a seat. Can I offer you both a coffee or a tea?" David MacDonald was nothing if not the model of hospitality. His Presbyterian upbringing in the warm and welcoming home of his father, a minister of the church, had instilled a desire to put people at their ease in difficult circumstances.

Today would be especially difficult.

"No, thanks, Mr MacDonald. I think if I have any more tea I'll swish when I walk!" Ali smiled, and Tom nodded laughingly.

"Yep, she's been up since 4am, drinking tea and reading wedding magazines to pass the time!" Tom grinned and kissed her hand softly. "Four weeks and counting, eh love?"

Mr MacDonald smiled, but there was a hollow quality to it that Tom instantly saw.  "Ok, so, better not keep you waiting.  There's good news... and there's not so good news, I'm afraid."

He sat and looked at them, fiddling with his pen. Somehow, this one seemed worse than all the others. Ali deserved so much better. He felt like he personally had let her down.

For a second or two, there was silence. Tom and Ali blanched in unison. He kept hold of the hand he'd just kissed and squeezed a little tighter.  She shook like a leaf but said nothing.

"Please. Bad news first. Then we can use the good news as a salve." Tom said quietly, and Mr MacDonald looked at Ali, who nodded grimly.

He took a breath and stood up, coming to sit on the edge of the desk in front of them. If he had a pound for every person he'd had to tell bad news to....well, he wouldn't be doing this for a living, that was for sure.

"Ok. So. The chemo has failed again. Your results show there are still nodules in your lungs. Smaller, I grant you, but there nonetheless." He paused, letting the information sink in.  Ali nodded.

"I see. So it's all been a waste of time. The operation, the chemo, the heartache, the freezing my eggs. You put me - us - through all that, and I'm STILL going to die? I'm STILL going to put Tom and his - my family through hell?"

She stood up.

"Well, it's a lovely day. Let's not spoil it with the minutiae. Thanks again, doctor. Perhaps you'd be so kind as to send me all the details in an email?" Ali stood and smiled, her eyes glazed, her mouth set into a thin line.  Never, ever, had she been so angry. How dare they do this. How dare they. After all she'd - they'd - been through? Now they told her THIS?

As the door behind her closed, she paused. FUCK THEM ALL.

She walked out into the sunshine. As she watched the clouds scurry across the wide blue expanse, she sighed. Poor Tom. What had she condemned him to? 

As she walked through the carparks lined with trees, she felt the tears scald her face. For a rare moment, she leaned against their car and screamed into the air. "WHY ME GOD? WHY TOM? ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR. GOD DAMN YOU CANCER!!!"

Someone else feeling the enormity of the situation was currently sitting in the Doctor's office trying to concentrate on what was being said.

"So, if you're ok to go on Tom?"

He nodded, "Yes, yes, please." His voice was low. His heart pounding, but he stayed. He knew he needed to hear whatever was coming, for Ali's sake, if not his own.

"Ok, so yes. Ali still has cancer. She will have to make a decision soon if she wants more treatment.  Some people in her position choose not to. For two reasons."  Mr MacDonald paused, giving Tom a little time.

"Go on?" The request was shaky but hopeful. "You did say there was good news, too?"

The consultant nodded and smiled softly. "Yes, I'm glad you remembered that. Well, for one, some people just think it's not worth the agony at this point. The outcome is still not guaranteed, and there are many other things they want to do with their time."

"That's the GOOD news?"

"No, not quite, I was just pausing. The good news is that if she chooses not to, there will be several outcomes to that. It may not mean she has any less time, since the nodules that are left are relatively small; she - and you - won't go through the hell of the side effects; and perhaps most importantly for the two of you, there will be nothing stopping you having a baby."

He stopped and smiled at Tom's stunned expression. "Don't worry, I haven't been spying on you. As I say, I've been doing this a long, long time.  Just because you're who you are doesn't make your thought patterns any different. When faced with mortality? Marriage and babies become a way to leave your mark on the world."

He smiled and stood up, offering his hand. "Now, you need to go and find Ali.  Tell her what I've told you, I'll send her a letter with all the details and an appointment for next week. She can tell me then what she's decided.  For now? Go, find her, hold her, reassure her. I'm not going to say it's not going to be hard, but together, you CAN do this, Tom."

They shook hands, and then Tom pulled him into a hug.

"Thanks, Mr Mac...."

"Please, David..."

"Thanks, David. See you next week."

Tom closed the door softly behind him.  This was going to be a real test of their love. And his strength. God knew he needed to be strong. For both of them.