Not A Boy Love

One Dialogue, One Painting

I was looking at my paintings.

"It was not a Boy Love at all. They are all red, water colours are mushy. They are dark slowly bending into night gloom. This is not right. My paintings are not that dull. I made them. They are supposed to be clean, colourful. The water in this painting was blue how is it turning black. I wish I could sink in that. I wish I could run away. I mean he was nice very nice. That day you said, even if nobody is ready to keep, I am happy to do so. You get what? Yes! After saying things to demisexual, how could I stop myself. I am watching this painting I made of a crowd reading a book, a black book. Fuck you all. This tear which drops onto these paintings, I'll draw a new beginning art using this tear water. I always try, but could never finish. Everytime I am hurt like this, I am never able to finish anything. Happy news is that, there are 4 of them. I was cursed for being a demisexual. I am cursed and I can never leave it. The first was a crush, she insulted me, told me I was a duffer. Second, I left for the sake of my friend. I was good friends with him, he called me a good friend. But now he never talks with me. Third time I was never reciprocated, I gave everything to him, my time, my time and my laugh. He was priority, called me a nice man. Fourth time I was called a house breaker, haha. I am happy. I collected more titles like these than many awards in school and colleges. And now I am a full-fledged therapist. Another title dude. Congrats to you. People are so nice. They lead you on, they use you and then leave you like they never asked for it. My stupid heart still goes for them. It still says they will understand you, Rith. They will. Haha, understand my ass. Why does every time I like someone, that person is snatched away. Do I not deserve anything? There is no one to answer me. There is no one to listen me right now, it is just this painting of a crowd reading a black book. I saw a book too there, it was silenced somewhere in my room, silenced by me and him till now I guess, The first page said a poem titled, Last Dream of Running -

I am listening to songs now

A bit depressing they sound to me

I knew the ending, but I still dared

This computer screen is my pill now

Revolving around the people

Watching love of others to forget mine

I feel shame calling them my love

Once it was shy

They tease me with their name

Now it only pains

Please don't do this

I want to say to them all

But afraid they never knew my love

No one knew my love

My love didn't knew my love

Its me again

Lying here sad

On bed

Alone.

Your texts make me go away

Pull my wrenching heart out in alone

Kill it

Beat it

For the crime it did to fall for you

Crime I commit without knowing

I didn't knew, I swear

Then am I punished

It was heart

Not me?

Why me?

Why again me?

I wanna run

Run away from everything

They became my everything,

The moment I fell for them

You left me

Or did I

I want to leave everything

When I needed most

They left again

I am again blabbering here

Because thoughts of them run through my head

I just can't hide it anymore

Nor I can tell anyone

Stop sending me stickers

For god's sake

They are not making me laugh anymore

They hurt me

It is dark

A little fairy light beside me can't remove that

It is diminished

I brought a new one

It is also faded

My dark was overpowering I guess

Can you be my light?

See I am stupid again

Keeping hopes again

They kill

Hopes kill

They killed me again

I wanna run away

Run" I said.