Not A Boy Love

Let Me CRY!

I kept on banging the door. Asking him to come out. He listened to me. He stopped sobbing. He was silent. It scares me more. I kept on calling their name.

"Rith Sir! Listen to me. Please open the door", atleast tell us why are behaving like this."

He was silent all the way. I was myself panicking.

"Are we not trustworthy? Do you not trust us at all?", I got infuriated and yelled at them, we are trying so hard and he is!

"No Ishir!", he finally said.

I got so calmed at once.

"You are so close to me. I told you. I trust you a lot. You, Kiaan and my friends I love them all. I just don't want to bother you all at all. I don't want to spread my darkness to yours. I don't want to involve you people in mess. I don't know what am I doing. I don't know what to say. I dunno why I am even crying. I am just a bad guy."

"BOTHER?! Bothering you? No, you are nottttt!! Get this thing out of your mind", I cried when he said. What could have emerged these thoughts in him. I just can't... He wasn't like this before?

"You people are my life. I come to you all when I am done with my shitty life. You people are a refuge to me for all the problems of mine. I don't want to push the darkness from this side to the other side of the door too..."

"Sir! We won't let the darkness there to overpower us. Trust me and Kiaan, you trained us well to light lamps. That day, to this day. If I and Kiaan are together it's because of you! You are our source of power. If you will fall like this, how are we going to live our lives. Kiaan always looks up at you when he is down. Your mood is what defines ours!"

"I am not at all brave and I am tired of it, pretending every single minute, that I don't care! I do care! I fucking die!"

"You don't have to be brave! Everyone is allowed to be weak! But the guy on the other side of the door told me once - you are allowed to be weak, but promise to yourself to get up and fight again"

"I don't wanna fight anymore! It kills me. I mess up everyone's life. I bring matam to everyone's life. When I trusted someone, he also left me. He just doesn't care at all. People leave when you need them the most. I stayed with him in his breakup. I supported him all, but he did what? I cried all the way in room. I cried my eyes out. Not a single night. Lectures too. Leave it alone, after we lost street dance battle, my fear came to real life, I just couldn't handle the faces of you juniors. They were like taunting me that you can't even handle a team. I am not good at all. You people were my support then, my sole reason to be happy. But after that we all kind of stopped talking, I just couldn't get through this past. I managed my best to keep the team happy. At least we were happy while practicing, but at last it boils down to what, A fucking win? I know everyone is sad, but... I know people are struggling more than me, but I do also suffer? Why does people behave so normal to me like I have never suffered or I have the most soothed life?"

I was silent. There was a lot filled in him. It was all boiling in him. I felt crying. He suffered it all himself when he never let me suffer alone. I want to slap myself. I want to curse myself.

"I... I dunno... sir!... But if you would say that you mess everyone's life! That is wrong and I can yell it on your face! I dunno about others. But this guy, my senior, can never create chaos. And guess what, yes there were problems in the street battle, but we went there as a team, problem was not all with you, it is the team. We team were wrong. It is us that lost, not you. It is normal to lose. I am so proud of you. Heading us for the first team street battle was not at all easy. I didn't know how did you gather the courage to get there leading us. I would rather not be able to! I will let you know this. Our practices were the best, you should know this. Nobody would have come if you really didn't make us stay there with your leadership and your jolly behaviour. Don't worry about us. I don't know about our team but yes people misunderstand you, because they never try to see you at all. They never looked at Rith they were watching. We see this guy. My brother left me here that day alone. We didn't knew each other, but you Sir! You! Came to a stranger who was crying in the corner, sobbing alone. You ruffled his hairs! You made him realise that a brother in IIT too exists! I cried until I met you. You fulfill that gap inside me sir. I am living here in IIT is because of you! Kiaan is with me, is because of you! My life is boon is because of you. Did you hear that???"