Not A Boy Love

Paragraph Of My Mind

And yes he went on a date again that day. Everytime he does the same, going on date with some person, telling me about them. How it went well. I can't do anything expect being happy for them. Because I can't be happy myself. It is not a boy love anyways. They all said that I was such a playboy, little they knew that I just can't go for anyone. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of what has happened right now. I am scared. I was decorating stars in sky which was already down. I hate myself for being stupid everytime. Why am I not a player? Why do I always like people. I hate myself to death. But this time it wasn't the date. It was something else. I can't even hate the person he is going for. Because it's Unnu. Because it was the account. He is the owner of the account. He recieved the texts I sent to the owner of "a.guy.who.loves.you". How would I hate them. One of them is my bestie another is my love. LOVE!? I? Love? I am stupid. I told you right. I always knew the start and the end but still I dared. These mere pages can't even tell my position to you. These mere words. I hate myself. So much. Why do I fell in love again!? These hot showers hide my tears again. I feel covered. I feel comforted by them. But this time these water drops seems to be mocking me. As if they are saying, "You are here again! Haha", they are laughing at me. See! They are pinching me. I can't this now. You were the only who has soothed me everytime. Why not now. Give me warmth. Hug me through through water cover and waves. You also left. You also feel cold. You are cold towards me. I feel like a joke, being tossed around here and there. Haha! I am a joke. I guess. I know I will be normal after this. But why does it hurt now so much. I don't want to do this. I want to have a normal life. I normal, no love life. I just want to be free. I hate myself. I hate my life. I was sinking down in the shower in bathroom. I was scared of my big a little fat tummy. No abs. I was scared of myself. My bad hairs. My bad reputation. My broken heart. I couldn't see my face. I am lucky. Because it's ugly. I don't have good body, hairs everywhere. Stretch marks on my tummy. I hate my body. This belly fat. I hate my body. Nobody loves me. I cannot feel my legs. They are numb. I am scared. I am shivering. This warm water feels cold. I want to scream. But I cannot. I am really sorry. I want to scream. Let me cry like fuck. I want to cry. I was sinking. I was falling to the floor of the bathroom. I was reaching for the support, but I cannot find the floor. I just can't feel anything. Floor is very deep. This pain is high. Very high. It is making me go sad, If I am allowed to say it... I am not happy.