I'LL MISS YOU

Weight

I walked out of my room in my taco pants and tank top the next morning, ready for the day.

Yes, the phrase 'I walked out of my room in my taco pants and tank top' my not sugest I am but I assure you I am.

I planned a relaxing day for once in a while.

In two days I have a nightmare of a day, Bullets owner-what ever her name is again-will be visiting for a check in and it's her last visit becasue after than I have 10 days before he leaves.

I've come closer to him that most clients horses and honestly closer than I would like because now I can assure that I'll cry when he leaves and I'll be sad and it'll be a whole thing.

So in preparation for what's her name to come and see him I'm relaxing before the storm.

I went ahead and grabbed an almond Poppy seed muffin out of the container and sat down on the couch, grabbing a fluffy blanket and the remote, perusual sith Haze following and sitting himself next to me.

I finished my muffin and turned on 'The Dirt'.

About half way through the movie, Waylon came out of his little whole, on the guest bedroom.

"Morming sleeping, Beauty." I said to him, turning around to look at him.

Not gonna lie Waylon was hot okay, especially when we walks out in sweat pants and no shirt okay, and to be fair I used to have a minor crush on him so maybe there is some Itty bitty teensy weensy micro scoping attraction, but that's only bc I haven't had a boyfriend in a year and I haven't hooked up with anyone in like 8 months...

"Ha-Ha, very funny." He said in a groggy voice.

We sat-no he aggressively plopped himself on the couch in the seat next to Haze.

"So who's this?" He asked, pointing to Haze.

Haze perked up and gave him a stare into his soul while scooting over right into my lap. I laughed at Haze for a second, then answered Waylon.

"Well, this is Haze, I love him more than anyone in the world and he's attack trained and 80 pounds, so heads up dint mess with me" i said with a overly sweet smile.

I gave Haze a kiss on the forehead and turned back to my movie.

All that I said was true, I do love Haze more than anything.

A lot of times, I'm pegged as weird for it, but you know what, Haze would never hurt me. Haze would never go behind my back, talk bad about me, or stab me in the back. It's probably because he physically can't, but if he could, I know he wouldn't.

And I would so choose him as a weapon in a fight, so I wasn't joking...

Waylon watches me for another minute or two and then looks back to the TV.

****
After three hours of random TV shows and movies, I decided to get up and make some real food.

"Hey, I think I'm gonna make a breakfast burrito. Do you want one?" I ask Waylon as I push, sleeping Haze gently out of my lap and next to Waylon.

"Umm, can I have three?" My eyes widen as he asks, and I walk into the kitchen.

"Three, like this many?" I say, holding up three fingers.

He looks back and shakes his head yes "Yep."

"Jesus, do you eat like a horse all the time?" I ask rhetorically as I get out a pan and set it on a burner.

"Well, I guess." He says.

I giggle. "That was rhetorical, and that's not fair."

"What's not fair?" He asks back when she finishes buttering the pan and lighting the burner.

I grab the egg carton, sausage, bacon, spinach, and onions.

"Well, if I ate three burritos, I'd A: be bloaded for a while, B: probably permanently gain 10 pounds and C: just be fat..." I say back.

"The point is, it's not fair that you get to eat like a God damn horse and look like that, and my slow ass metabolism would have me on 'My 600 pound life'." I fianlly say laying it all out for him.

He breathes a laugh. "Ha, you wish, Dalila, you're a stick. You've always been okay, so thereno need to act like you aren't one now." He says, sounding amused

"It's Lila, and I am not a stick, but thank you for the compliment." I hear a faint chuckle but ignore it.

I've always been insecure about my weight, my stomachs pretty flat-unless I'm bloaded-and I'm not fat-ive nevrr been told I was-but there's still a lingering feeling that I am.

I have scars that run up my thighs from when I was in high school. All through out high school, I cut my thighs.

I do have thick thighs, and I've been told it's a good thing, but I never really saw it that way.

I shake the thought of my cutting and weight out of my head and continue back to the burittos.

****

After we've finished out birittos- which we're amazing, so say the least- Waylon offered to clean up, and we began to watch 'Major Payne' (best movie ever).

I can't stop thinking back to the conversation we had earlier.

My weight hasn't bothered me in years, but I try not to think about it, though. I don't ever talk about it, and I don't want to.

My whole life, I've avoided the concept of it, I never even talked about it with Kiara.

(Hours later/10 PM)

After watching movies all day and being lazy on the couch, I still couldn't get the thought of that out of my mind.

About my thighs, my stomach, my arms, everything.

I went to the bathroom mid way through one of our movies.

I stripped my shirt off to look at myself in the mirror, I had a mostly flat stomach, but it didn't feel good enough.

Nothing on my body ever felt good enough.

I put my shirt back on and went out to the living to tell Waylon good might.

I ran to my room and lay on my bed with tears welling in my eyes.

****

I'd like to bring some awareness to everyone who's dealing with securities, I don't care if it's weight, hieght, your akin color, or the way your face is shaped.

It's all horrible.

I've dealt with it and am dealing with it.

I'm not fat, I have a mainly flat stomach with exception of wine I eat a bit mean or anything, and my thighs aren't huge but, like I said in the story, it's doesn't matter sometimes it feels like it's never enough, like you'll never be skinny enough.

Especially with comments from people about your eating.

I just want every one of you to know that if you're dealing with weight insecurities, don't ever hesitate to talk to someone, even me.

Idc if it's a meaningless vent ir just telling me what it is that makes you insecure, hut don't ignore it, it will always coke to bite you back.

Deal with it when it starts and realize that you're beautiful, no matter what you look like, or how you feel like you should look like.

And always remember.

Models/ women on magazines are so full of plastic Barbies jealous, and if you threw them in the ocean, they'd kill more sea turtles than straws.

As always, I love you guys. Dont hesitate to tell someone ab insecurities.