PANIC ROOM • KENJI KON

BONUS CHAPTER 1.1

"Impulsive Decisions Are The Only Correct Decisions"

~~~

"Oh, um, one more— one more thing, guys..."

"Yeah?"

"What's up?"

Eva's friends— Sammy, Yasmina, Ben, Darius, Brooklynn, and even Kenji, they all stared intently at their screens, their eyes wide, their minds open no doubt, while Eva picked at her nails and stared down at her keyboard, already regretting speaking up.

"What's wrong?" Kenji asked.

"Nothing— nothing's wrong."

"They're your family," Ms. Jennings said. "They deserve to know what is going on with you."

And that's exactly why it was so hard. All those years spent with her grandparents, and they were family, but they were also very closed off people. Bad emotions were frowned upon. It was all good grades only, and happiness, and gratitude, and love, and hope, and confidence. With her grandparents, there was no room for sadness and anger— the latter of which she often got in trouble for— and fear, and desperation, and as much as Ms. Jennings— her therapist— had helped Eva over the past six months, actually confessing her feelings to her family— her found family, it was beyond difficult. She had already talked herself out of text conversations— "it's better to come from the heart and in person," Ms. Jennings had told her, anyway. But now that she had spoken, she deeply considered pretending she had a connection error and leaving the video call immediately.

"Um... okay, so, I, I never told you guys this, but uh..."

Breathe in; one, two, three, four five. Breathe out; one, two, three, four, five.

"I wasn't exactly— I mean, okay, on Isla Nublar, the latter half we were there, I was uh, I guess you could say depressed?" She watched and waited; waited for someone to react dramatically, as if she had spoken taboo. But they didn't say or do anything, though Sammy nodded, as if urging her to continue— as if she knew Eva wasn't done. "Yeah, I was— I was depressed. And I didn't know it was safe to tell you guys, so I just kinda suffered in silence. And I was mad— like, very mad at you Brooklynn—" her eyebrows shot up on her forehead, then curled together in confusion, "— when you resuscitated me when we first arrived to our secret island, because at the time, I was so content with the idea of dying, that that was all I wanted to do, and so, I was angry you brought me back to life.

"Of course, now, I'm glad you did. I— I think. So thank you, Brooklynn, because I never thanked you before."

Brooklynn spoke softly, as if she was afraid to do so, but thanked her all the same.

Eva continued; "I just, I struggled. Like, a lot. I've always done impulsive reckless shit, but it got a lot worse the worse I got mentally ill, and I never explained that to you guys. I just let you guys be in the destruction zone without safety goggles or PPE, and for that I'm sorry. I know I scared you guys sometimes, and I'm sorry. If I could go back and tell you guys sooner, if I understood that I could have told you guys at all, I one hundred percent would, but I can't change the things I said or did or the things I hid, and I am so, so sorry."

Eva's eyes stung, and she quickly realized she was crying. "And I'm—" her voice cracked, "I'm especially sorry to you, Kenji, cause I know I broke your heart, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to make up for what I said, for how I acted, or for not forgiving you, because I do forgive you, Kenji. I did on the boat, I just didn't know it until I had already lost you."