of blood and lies ; dystopian

19

present

A tray full of empty pouches sat between Karro and me, accompanying the silence.

We hadn't spoken through the meal.

Unfortunately, our sleep began to line together, and we were forced to remain silent rather than escape into rest.

For the past few days, I could only think of our anniversary. I cursed to myself night after night for being so foolish. I hadn't noticed the whites of his knuckles during our anniversary dinner, but when I visited the restaurant in my memory I could see them clearly. I could see the build of my masked soldier.

It'd been Karro who knocked me unconscious. And, by Blood, I deserved it.

I was an idiot. He knew I had been lying for years, yet I continued to lie. What confused me was my survival. Why hadn't he killed me? We'd stayed together, in a knowingly deceitful relationship, for two years after that night.

It all confused me. He hadn't shown a spec of emotion. Well, he had, but not the emotions I'd assume someone would express after finding out the supposed 'love of your life' was a fraud.

Fuck, Karro may have been a better liar than me.

I dug my nails into my calves, holding on to prevent myself from grabbing the scalpel and slitting his throat.

"I was so stupid," I admitted, staring at his feet. His body was positioned in the same way mine was; we sat across from each other, knees pulled to our chests, and backs propped against the bed. "I can't believe I did not realize you knew. For that long."

There had to have been signs. I had to have just been stupid.

"Agreed." Karro's voice was clipped and rasped. I frowned and pinched at the growing bruise on my forearm. I hated that I worried more about how he felt; if he had loved me. We did not speak after I attempted to open the window. I told myself I would only speak to ask why the door opened, and how he knew what to do.

But I didn't

I did exactly what I promised myself I would not. I poked at the bear that needed to be killed, not entertained.

Surprisingly, he continued. Unsurprisingly, his eyes narrowed. "You'd think so much isolation would have helped you sort out the holes in our "relationship"."

My stomach clenched as I watched him air quote what I was ready to give up my entire life for. It was far from that; a joke, as he pretended it to be. Past the anger and sex, something otherwordly had formed between us. Love. Lust. I debated which word was correct.

"I didn't think about all of "that "." I airquoted the word, as he had. "I thought of how I was going to kill you." I looked toward my pillow, where the scalpel was hidden beneath. I continued to think of how I was going to kill him.

More damned silence filled the room. He looked up at me, his eyes slightly hooded. By this point, one of us would crawl into the bed.

We continued to stare as if we weren't sick of it.

"You knew for two years. Why did you take so long to do something about it?" Too many memories were flooding in through my head. Nothing felt real. The first boy I ever loved. Was it real? Had he truly never loved me? I wanted to hit myself, and then him; I felt like an oblivious bitch being strung along.

Karro reached for my cheek. I flinched but allowed his thumb to trail down the side of my face. His fingertip stopped along my bottom lip. I allowed him to graze against the chapped skin. "Are you thinking of every memory, wondering if it was true?" The tip of his thump dipped between my lips, grazing against the top of my teeth. I let him, softening into the heat of his hand.

He continued. "That's how I felt when I saw you that day. So, I decided you were going to feel the same. Worse, even. How you feel right now? That is karma, Naga." He smiled and jerked his hand away as if I'd burnt him.

I wanted to hurt him as much as I wanted to fuck him.

"What was that place?" I asked. If The Blood was heaven, that place was purgatory, and this place was hell.

"All in due time." He smiled harder.

I looked down at the empty pouches between us. We ate together. We were here, together. It all felt too terrible.

"Your turn," Karro began. "Tell me something true."

I looked at his fingers. "The sex was good," I admitted.

He grinned. "I know that. You squirted against my cock every time we fucked. You couldn't lie about that."

I buried my chin in my knees and stared up at him from above the bone. The angle provided covering for my flustered face. I hated my body. It was my own traitor sometimes.

I debated what to tell him. Something truthful, that he did not already know. "The case was only supposed to take a year," I began, once my cheeks cooled. "They wanted me to be forceful about it. Simply seduce and capture you. I wanted to take my time, though. It was the biggest case they'd seen since you left. I didn't want to rush it."

"You wanted to play around?"

I shook my head, staring at my feet. "No. Well, to start, yes. But--" I hesitated. Vulnerable. "I wanted to think for a little bit. By that point, I was thinking of leaving, as you had."

Karro's face tightened.

"The Generals started to rush me." I laughed and looked up at him. I smiled at the thought of so long ago. "I killed them all. The ones that rushed me. Most were beheaded. I slit the other's throats. The Murthaa understood, though. She told me she would take just as long if she were doing something like you. Once I was promoted to Commander, she let me work at my own pace."

The Murthaa was patient. She had all the time in the world. She didn't age like Karro and I did; she'd been alive for eternities.

She could die. She just hadn't.

Karro looked at me like he'd never looked at me before. I supposed, in a way, he hadn't. "I feel like I'm meeting a different person."

"Which do you prefer?" I asked, tilting my head. It felt like there were two people inside of me. One was dead.

"Neither."