Lucie's Life from then to now

Chapter 18 - relationship

I had a few relationship this is quite a personally chapter so like my depression and social anxiety not going into to much depth in-case I every bring out an autobiography because I would love to bring out one of those but I will give you breath run down on my relationship so far in my 21 years of life which is not many so people by this time are married and have kids not me.

I have had some good and some very bad relationship , my first relationship was when I was year 8 of secondary school he was my first proper boyfriend and we were together for two year but then when I was in year ten this year 7 started and I kind like him but I weren't only one we were all fighting over him but I found out something that was quite personally to him which Im not going to bring up in this book because it isn't my place. Then my next relationship was with another lad which was fine but his mum didn't like me for some reason so we split up the day we left school but he was all over me at prom.

Then not long after that I had some really bad relationship that I don't really want to talk about because these relationship were the reason for my depression and social anxiety and it make me feel bad because at the same time we were having a big family issue. I was in a messed up at this time in life and this bit is where only my closes friend knows about because I came close to ending my life three time due to this past.

Then this year I like this boy at college but because of my social anxiety and trust issue I never got my courage to talk to him by the time I did it was to late and now we left and gone are separate way I did try but he wasn't having any of it.

But also on my 21st birthday I went to soccer six which is event where celeb either play football or basketball this was basketball one I was going to see the band concept who talked about in earlier chapter then I went , I remember speaking to Ben and he was like it was so weird like I didn't have any shyness or anxiety talking to him and I felt safe for once and then I was so happy and I didn't have worry and then on the 14th march they ticket came out for the hay market Ben just followed me and direct message me and  I got VIP ticket and meet my friend Chloe which was lovely then at the VIP gig on the 8th April was amazing the atmosphere was incredible and this when I realize when im around Ben and the other lads mostly Ben but my anxiety goes and I don't have panic attack then I realize that I have fallen in love with Ben but they is a slight problem Ben has a girlfriend so they just no way I could tell him this when im not around me cause a lot of anxiety and they lot of other things that have happen but it just some many odd things I just cant add it up.

It like I can never get Ben out of my mind he constantly they like if he not near it feel like half of me is missing and I know he happy but they just something their you know when you having a feeling about something. He is my life he is my world.

I have even wrote song about my feeling for him and this feel so weird to be actually writing my feeling about Ben on paper because he could be reading this  right now and if you are Ben I just want you to know that I love you and as long as your happy I will be happy even if that means I have to be miserable and single for the rest of my life. It your happiness that matter to me more than mine.

People say to me it just to a crush but I don't think it is , considering I have twenty eight relationship and a lot of crushes this is different.

Plus people say I need to get to know him more because I only met you for the first time seven month but you just know when you truly love someone and when every he tweet me or direct message I instant smile come across my face.

Also I get hate for having feeling for him saying that he never love me the way I love him and I know that and I know he is happy I wouldn't do anything to ruin his happiness.

People keep telling me to tell him but it not easy consider I have social anxiety and specially when even if I said a million words no words would be able to say how much I love him.

It really have put me in difficult situation and I have tried to talk to other boys but I have a bond with Ben I know we do.

My friend says he just a celeb crush and that you meet someone else and you should go out with boy who like you at college but just because someone like you doesn't mean you have to go out with them if you don't have feeling for them because that will hurt they feeling more.

Ben is more than a celeb crush to me he is my world my everything I wouldn't still be here if it was for concept but specially because of him and I'm so grateful that bought the five pack of A5 cards of them and keep Ben by my beside because it make me happy to wake up to that face and make me feel safe.

This sound so stupid everyone thinking I'm just a fan girl wish it was a celeb crush and that I could forget him but can't.

Ben if you do read this I know your happy that all I can every ask for is your happiness even if that means I'm miserable for my whole life but it isn't about me it about you as you the most important person to me.