Lucie's Life from then to now

Chapter 25 - Hiding behind a fake smile

last time I talk about relationship I don't remember where we got . Basically I mention Ben who is from a Band called Concept that I mention in a previous chapter .

Anyway lets update you basic since the last things I seen him a lot of gigs and in town a lot and I'm always happy to see him but some days it killed because I'm smiling when we hug or when we touch but knowing I can never kiss him or hold him when he upset or be there for him it hurts so much and I put on a smile all the time .

My other friend Chloe Marsh she goes to the gym a lot and their go to the same gym and the funny thing is she see them so much but one either if I want to go to that gym I wouldn't want them to think I would just go their to see them and secondly I wouldn't be able to because of my anxiety so Chloe see him a lot more than I do cause the day I see them is the only day I get off from college which is Thursday and we normal just walk around town and we bump into them.

sadly I haven't seen Ben since the third of December which is 37 days ago and 7 hours 4 minute and so many second , Yes I'm the sad I count the days since I last saw him .

then at college everyone is getting in relationship with people in the tutor group and it really hard because the person I love .......... Yes I said love one doesn't go to my college and two he in relationship which made it so hard for me when I see him and when I do see him I just pretend he single so I dont feel weird hugging Him.

When see his brother posting picture of Him and His girlfriend it tares me apart it like their ripping my heart out and I know he doesn't mean to as he doesn't have a clue about my feeling some people are telling me to tell him but I don't want to be the reason he dumps her and I don't want him to change around me because to me we have a special bond well I think we do but maybe that just me .

I even bought him a christmas present but haven't seen him since the third of December like I said and I spent so much money on him and he doesn't even know .

but I also feel like he avoid town on Thursday cause we keeping bumping into me and that why I think he doesn't go to the gym on Thursday with the other boys and he went on Monday because my friend saw them .

I keep getting upset about the situation I'm in because loving him as much as I do kills and it so hard when see him because he doesn't know and I don't think if I told him It would change anything and It not that easy to say those three words but those three words dont even sum up my feeling for feeling .

Not even a million words would and I try and take my mind of him every day which some days are better than other but some days are worse than each other . my bad days I just break down and I'm absolute fed up and I'm a mess because I never know what to do.

Ben If you are reading this I ................. Just .................. Want .............. You ................... To ...................... I .................................... Love .............................. You

I said it and I mean it you probable never feel the same but I thought you deserve to know and I thought of many I could tell you. I consider getting a place that sell balloons to send to you when you at the gym but I don't alway know if you in the gym plus I was skint at the time and my second option was a flash mob in town but then trying to organize one of them and making sure you were their for it was even harder and that also cost money unless you did it your self and my dancing is terrible but this idea come up where I basically dedicated this chapter to you but I never know if you will read it or see .

I honest think about you every day and night you never far from my mind but in always thinking is he with her .

Day go by with out seeing , me not know when I next see you smile , hear you voice . Every day I hope it soon.

This is probable my most painful and emotion chapter I wrote I have tear dribble down my cheeks as I'm writing this .I know life is not easy or fair but it defintley hundred percent cruel with what it putting me through right now.

I hope one day Ben you will read this and know all about my feeling even if we end up million a miles apart my feeling for you will never go away and I may be single and miserably for the rest of my life as long as you are hundred percent happy that all that matter to me is you , Your happiness is the most important thing to me . not mine happiness , not anyone else but yours .