I Used To Always Be The Rejection

Chapter 25

Dedicated to everyone who hates tests! 

Chapter 25

Ashlynn POV

I didn't even flinch when I heard his voice.  In fact, I had no reaction at all.  "Is that so?" I asked softly, my eyes still glued to the broad expanse of water in front of me.

"Yeah," He replied, still sounding nervous.

There was a silence, but it wasn't awkward.  At least, to me, it wasn't.  I'm pretty sure he felt really awkward, probably wondering what to say, but I knew there wasn't much for the both of us to say.  We never had anything to say to each other before, and that relationship had not changed.

Finally, he said, "I remember seeing you here once.  You looked sick.  Really sick.  And I... I had been worried.  Really worried.  I barely caught you before you fell.  And after that incident, I was just kept on wondering in my head.  What if she fell into the lake and couldn't get out?  Who would find her?  Would we even find her?  Ashlynn, you have to understand that..." He trailed off.

I still didn't glance his way.  "Understand what?" I asked, my voice still gentle.

He took a deep breath.  "I know you won't believe me.  I know you won't.  After all, the way I treated you gives you the right to not believe me, but... I still have to try.  I have to say what I should've said when Mom and Dad died,"

Now, I stilled, some reaction finally coming out of me.  He continued on, "It wasn't your fault.  I never thought it was your fault.  It's just that I was young and stupid and... I just needed to direct my anger of Mom and Dad dying somewhere.  I needed to focus on my anger, so that I didn't have to think about my loss.  And that day, when I saw you nearly falling to your death, I... I don't know what happened.  It was as if all the pain I had stored away hit me at once.  When I thought about losing you too, the pain was just so much, more than I could ever handle."

He continued on, "I thought that if I pushed you away farther, the pain wouldn't be so great anymore. But I was wrong.  The pain only intensified." He let out a bitter laugh that almost sounded like a sob.

I didn't say anything, but I knew what Logan wanted me to do.  This was his way of saying sorry.  He wanted me to forgive him.

But I couldn't.

Logan's sorry wasn't enough.  I didn't think anything he ever did or said would ever be enough.  I didn't care if Logan wanted to be the brother he was supposed to be.  When I had needed him to be my brother, he had turned his back on me.

Logan was waiting, waiting for me to answer.  Waiting for me to say something that would erase the huge burden of guilt on his shoulders.  After what was probably an eternity for Logan, I said, "I don't forgive you,"

I heard a sharp intake of breath and a pause before that breath was shakily released.  "I thought so, I don't deserve your forgiveness," He said, a pained note in his voice.

At least he understood that.  He understood that all the hurt I had been through because of him had now made me numb to him.  It made me feel better knowing he truly understood that.

Finally, I stood up and turned to look at Logan.  It hurt.  He looked so much like Dad with his sandy blond hair and deep blue eyes.  It was as if I was looking at a memory I thought had lost long ago.  He seemed to know what I was thinking because I knew the look in his eyes.  It was probably the same look I had in mine.

I softly put a light hand on his shoulder and said in a gentle tone, much calmer than I had been when I first saw his face, "You're my brother, and you will always be my brother," He stared at me, an unreadable look on his face.  I continued on, my hand dropping from his shoulder, "But I need time.  Right now, I don't think I can forgive you.  I don't have enough forgiveness in my heart for you, or  anyone else in the Sunmoon pack," His face crumpled, and something tugged at my heart, but I ignored it.