Soulmates | Phan AU |

Twenty Five; This Is Goodbye

Twenty Five: This Is Goodbye

Dan;

I wish I was void of emotions. That way everything would be easier, I wouldn't have to worry about a thing. However, we all had to be cursed with feelings; with emotions. Emotions were never fun. They just seemed to ruin your life.

The thing with me is that I care too much- which may sound like a good thing but it isn't- maybe if I didn't care as much about people and their feeling's saying goodbye would be a lot easier. I would be able to leave without a weight of guilt pressing down on my chest, suffocating me. It's just a word, I shouldn't be feeling this much grief over a word.

"What's wrong, Dan?" My mother asked me. We were sat at the dinner table eating our tea which was just something simple, yet something I loved so much: Toast and Beans. Mum must have noticed me being uncharacteristically silence.

Usually I would be obnoxiously talking about something or other, whether it being drama going on in school or something funny one of my friends had said.

"It's just..." I sighed, cutting myself off. "I have a lot of things on my mind, that's all."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

I let go of my fork which, moments ago, I was just prodding at the beans to look at my mum. "You know I love you, right?"

Mum looks at me confused. "What? Of course I know! I should hope you love me anyway, I am your mother after all." She laughs, trying to ease up the tension that has filled the air surrounding us. I half heartedly smile at her attempt at lighting up the mood (which fails of course but it still makes me want to laugh).

"Even when I am not here, I still love you and I always will- don't forget that, okay?"

"Dan... You're worrying me a bit hun, what's going on? What has brought all this on?" She's frowning at me now, her tone concerned. The jokey tone in her voice is long gone, her whole demeanour has changed into serious parent mode.

"Nothing has brought it on, I just wanted to let you know so if anything happens. You're not worried about me." I act nonchalant about it all; shrugging, I offer my mum a smile, as if telling her everything will be okay.

The last thing I want is her to be worrying about me.

* * *

Writing a letter to my mum explaining where I was and what was going on was harder than I thought. I don't know how many times I had wrote and re wrote the letter. They just didn't seem to be turning out right. Although having a wide vocabulary, I was never good with expressing my thoughts, especially when it came to writing them down.

I glared at the A4 sheet of white paper, as if the words were just going to write themselves under my scrutinising eyes. With my head in my hands, I sighed. This just didn't seem to be working. It was a few minutes past ten p.m and I had to get this done before Phil messaged me in a few hours.

My mum hadn't long gone to bed so I knew I would be able to sneak out undetected. Tonight was the night and nothing could go wrong. I, we, couldn't afford for anything to go wrong. This was mine and Phil's only chance, this had to go right; no room for fuck ups.

My mind going off into a tangent seemed to spark up some inspiration as I began to writ out some words, which then turned into sentences and then paragraphs. Before I knew it I had finished the letter and I was pretty pleased with it.

Leaning back in my black, swivel desk chair, I read over the letter once more:

Dear Mum,

I'm not sure how to start this off. I have a lot to say yet so little time and paper. I wish I could tell you all this face to face but I know you wouldn't listen, you would try and stop me from leaving but I have to do this- please understand this.

I love you so much and leaving you behind will be the worst thing to happen to me but I have to do this for me, for Phil, for us. This is my only chance at happiness and I have to chase after it. Even if it risks losing you and my freedom.

This is the only way me and Phil will ever get to be together, me and him have discussed and discussed about our options and this is the best one we can think of. We will be living in a cabin, somewhere hidden from everyone else. No one but us, Louise and Chris will know where we are so we will be safe.

I will try and contact you when I can but no promises.

If anyone asks just say I have moved away to live with some distant relative for college. It doesn't matter who they are, just tell them that, please, for me.

I guess this is goodbye.

All the love,

your son, Dan.

xxx

X

So it begins...

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