If You Let Me Know... [N.H.]

32. All I Want

"You might want a lighter for that"

I gasp when I hear a voice so close to me and turn around to encounter Dan pointing at the cigarette I'm holding in my hand.

"It's a metaphor" I joke with a forced smile.

"I don't think the rest of the empty packet agrees on that" Dan chuckles and shakes his head; "You've been there since you got home" he says reaching out his hand.

But I don't want to go down. This little window on one side of the sitting room has become my shelter from the rest of the world.

"C'mon, Vic" Dan insists, "It's been... what? Two months?"

"Two months, three weeks and four days" I say, sighing heavily.

"You gotta talk to him"

"I know" I sigh one more time, "But they're on tour right now. Besides, if  I talk to him, I would do it in person, not through a lame text"

"You could always ask one of the boys to speak to him for you"

"No; this whole thing started because I went to another person instead of talking to him. I'm not getting a third wheel in this again"

"All right, I'm sorry, that was a bad idea" Dan admits, hands in the air; "It'll be okay, Vic"

I get down from the windowsill and lay on the sofa, resting my head on Dan's lap.

"After two months, you would have expect me to be over it, right?" I chuckle ironically, looking at the ceiling.

Dan doesn't answer until a few seconds later.

"Well, two months, three weeks and four days is quite the time to get over something"

"But how do you do it?" I ask, my voice inevitably breaking and my eyes getting misty. I shake my head and sniffle; "How do you get over the one thing you would have never wanted to get over?"

Dan's silence is the answer.

I sigh and get up, walking to the kitchen.

"Would you like a sandwich?" I ask as I take out the bread.

"Yes, please. When will they be back?" Dan says.

"Why do you care?"

"I want to know how much longer you're going to be this sad"

"They don't have to be back for me to be okay" I deny putting some cheddar on my sandwich; "Ham and cheese?"

"No, but as soon as they're back you will be able to meet Niall and talk to him, and the sooner you both talk to each other, the sooner you'll start getting better. No matter how bad that talk is"

I put the sandwich on a plate and walk to Dan in silence. He's right. I won't admit it out loud, but he's right.

"They're already back" I answer as I take a bite of my sandwich.

"What?"

"Their South American leg of the tour ended two days ago"

"Which means they're in town"

"I guess so; but I'm leaving tomorrow, remember? My exams start on Tuesday"

Dan sighs and gives up. He knows how pigheaded I am.

"I will talk to Niall as soon as I come back to London" I say some minutes later, "I just need to pass all my exams. If I talk to Niall before them, doesn't matter if it's a good talk or a bad talk, I won't give my best at my exams"