She Crossed That Bridge

15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

That's the thing about dying . . .

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. A queer, uncomfortable perplexity invaded me.

Did I say too much? Did I really not know what I was talking about?

Grabe, sasabog na utak ko kaiisip. I didn't intend to offend him. I was just trying to help!

With a long groan, I sat on my bed.

I didn't know why I said that to him. It's just that . . . I believe in God and I've always believed in Him. But maybe I went too far when I told Helix how great God is.

I didn't blame him for getting mad at me, though. I knew I would never understand what it felt like to have a cancer, but all I wanted was to give him hope and courage. I wanted him to realize that having a cancer wasn't the end of the world for him.

But maybe . . . I shouldn't have said that to him. Now he didn't even want to see me anymore. He didn't answer any of my calls. He didn't want to hang out with me anymore. That day I went to Vera City with him was the last time I've seen him. I actually asked Gerald to come pick me up in Vera that day because Helix left me.

Nag-ayos ako ng sarili ko saka ako sumakay ng mini bus para magpunta sa Kyll Book Store. I was in the mood to commute for tonight. Gusto ko lang lumanghap ng preskong hangin. Gusto ko lang magpunta kung saan.

Pagkarating ko sa bookstore ay agad akong nag-ikot-ikot para humanap ng mga itatambak sa shelf ko mamaya pag-uwi.

Tuwing nandito ako ay gumagaan ang loob ko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa amoy at presensya ng mga libro o dahil dito ko nararamdaman 'yong presensya ni Dest.

Dest used to ruin my day, but on the contrary, he also saved me from sadness.

Maybe there was a friendship built between us. I just didn't acknowledge it until he was gone.

***

THE halls of Kyll High were full of students and noise on a Monday morning.

I'm sure something big happened over the weekend that I wasn't aware of because I was too busy thinking about Hel.

"Shin!"

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa pangalan ko at nakita ko si Kath na tumatakbo papalapit sa 'kin.

"Have you heard?" she asked, catching her breath. Iyan na naman, may dala na naman siyang kuwento. Tuwing tatawagin niya ako ay palagi siyang may baong balita. Minsan napaiisip ako kung ano ba talagang ganap ni Kath sa school na 'to. Baka kasi siya si Gossip Girl.

I gave her a confused look.

"Okay, don't freak out," she warned me.

Inirapan ko lang siya at hinintay kung ano man ang susunod niyang sasabihin.

"Pauline died last night. She overdosed herself."

Nagitla ako sa sinabi niya at nagpaulit-ulit iyon sa pandinig ko.

P-Pauline . . . died?

***

THE sun blazed down on me as I stepped outside the car.

I never thought that I would ever have to attend to a funeral of a schoolmate.

Pauline was only eighteen and she passed away from suicide. If only I had known that she was suffering from depression, I should've offered her a shoulder to lean on.

I guess that's the thing about dying. People will only care about you when you're gone.

Sa tagal kong kakilala si Pauline, hindi man lang ako nagkaroon ng oras para maka-bonding siya, o makasabay man lang kumain.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit, pero nalulungkot din talaga ako sa biglaang pagkamatay niya. Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari. Hindi ko nakitang darating 'tong araw na 'to nang ganito kaaga.

The entire town comprising family, friends, relatives, schoolmates, and teachers filled the tent. I took a seat beside Nico. All the P5 were here, including Dest and Helix. Did that make them P6?

When I looked on the right side of the stage, I saw Dest walking towards the podium from his seat.

Hindi ko maiwasang mapatitig sa kanya at pagmasdan ang mga galaw niya.

Ngayon ko na lang ulit siya nakita simula no'ng mag-transfer siya ng school. There's something about him that changed. I didn't know what exactly it was, pero sigurado ako na may nagbago talaga sa kanya.

Maybe he got taller? Matangkad na siya noon pa man, pero parang mas tumangkad pa siya lalo.

As he reached the podium, he pulled out a folded piece of paper and opened it. As he read the paper, his voice cracked.

"Pauline was my best friend. I met her at a charity event. She was . . . wearing a yellow Sunday dress that day. A bright smile never leaves her face, and I am truly grateful for meeting a wonderful person like her."

One could tell by looking in his eyes that words were simply not enough to describe their relationship.

Marami pa siyang sinabi, pero hindi rin naman ako maka-relate dahil hindi ko kilala si Pauline personally.

Once he's done talking, tears started running down his cheek as he marched down the aisle to get back to his seat.

Now it's Hel's turn to talk. After so many days, I was glad I've got to see him again. But it pained me knowing that Pauline's death will forever leave a scar on him.

Masakit man kay Dest ang pagkamatay ni Pauline, alam kong masakit din ito para kay Helix.

"I met Pau on my father's birthday. Dest invited her to come to the party. She was . . ." he trailed off, wiping the tears off his cheek.

"She was crying when I first met her. So, I asked her what's wrong without even asking her name first. Then she started telling me about the things she couldn't say to her jackass boyfriend," he said, shooting a glance at Dest.

"She's been through a lot. And I'm the only person who knows that. And it pains me, that her boyfriend didn't pay so much attention to her he doesn't even know that she's carrying their baby." His voice was shaking.

Natigilan ako nang sabihin niya iyon.

Dest and Pau had a baby?

Naramdaman ko ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko kaya hinayaan ko na lang na kumawala ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ko.

Grabe naman silang tatlo. Sobrang . . . kakaiba ng love triangle nila. Malalim masyado.

We're too young for that, but I can't blame them for what happened.

"I was there when she lost her baby. While her boyfriend, Dest, was too busy playing around, bullying some students, while her girlfriend grieves—" I was too hooked with the story that I didn't even notice Nico and Gerald leaving their seats to stop Helix from speaking in front of all these people. Nico grabbed the microphone out of Hel's hand and Gerald grabbed him to leave the stage.

It's now the family's turn to give a speech about Pauline, but all eyes shifted to Dest.

Surprise and regret were all clearly written on his face. Halatang wala talaga siyang alam sa lahat ng mga sinabi ni Helix.

Without giving a damn about the eyes that were staring at him right now, he cried in silence.

~

T I A N A V I A N N E