Surviving Cancer

Thursday, November 16

LEVI POV

I poked my head in on Maci.  She was sleeping in her room.  The doctors had sent her home with an oxygen machine and it hummed in the background.  They wanted her to wear it all the time but she was being stubborn. She was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed.  She looked so small huddled underneath all the blankets.  I closed the door quietly wanting to make sure she got all the rest she needed.  I quietly crept away from her bedroom and down the stairs.  My mom was in the kitchen and my dad in his office.  I went to the kitchen and sat down at the island. 

"Hey baby, how are you?" My mom asked as she looked up from cleaning the sink. 

I shrugged my shoulders, staying silent.  I didn't know how I was.  I guess I was still in shock, or processing or something.

She stopped, turning off the faucet and drying her hands.  "Tell me what's on your mind Levi."

"Aren't you and dad afraid of losing her?" I asked, I kept my eyes down as I stared at my hands in my lap.

"Of course we are." She answered as she pulled the bar stool out beside me and sat down.  "Do you really think that we aren't?

"I don't know, I guess not." I mumbled.

She let out a small sigh, "What's going on?"

I looked up at her.  She was my mom, the only one I ever knew.  But I couldn't help but wonder if she knew.  And if she didn't know would it make her love us less if she found out. 

"Why didn't you and dad have kids?" I asked.

"We have kids silly, you and Macin." She answered.

I shook my head no, "No why didn't you and dad have more kids?  Your own instead of someone's kids they didn't want."

"First off, you were and are still wanted.  Secondly, we didn't need anymore kids.  We love you and Macin." Her voice was stern, like I hit a nerve and she was trying not to lose her temper.  "What brought that up?"

"You know we aren't even his right?" I snapped.

I suddenly had an overwhelming amount of anger coursing through me.  I stood from the counter, shoving the bar stool back with my foot and stormed out of the kitchen.  My life was unraveling and there was nothing I could do about it.  I yanked my keys off the wall and slammed the door behind me without grabbing a coat.  I could hear my mom calling my name as she followed me but I didn't stop.  Instead I got in my car, threw it in reverse and floored it out of the driveway.  I fished my phone out of my pocket, declining the call from my dad.  I scrolled through my contacts, hitting Emma's number.

I needed someone to talk to; I needed someone that wasn't my family.  I couldn't tell Maci and my little outburst probably made a mess of things with my parents.  The phone rang and rang.

"Come on Emma." I muttered. 

She was supposed to be there.  This is what she had been wanting the whole time and now here I was needing her and she wasn't there. Her voicemail came on and I hung up the phone.  I scrolled through my phone until I found Jackie's number.  My knuckles were white as I gripped the steering while trying to contain my anger.

"Levi?" Jackie answered after two rings.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Nothing. Is everything okay?" She asked, her voice laced with concern.  "What's wrong?"

I spun the wheel whipping my car around a turn.  "Can I just come over?"  She hesitated for a minute.  "Please, I'm losing my mind."

Her answer came slow but it didn't matter.  I just needed someone to talk me down. "Okay."