Checkmate (Doctor Who fanfiction)

Why She Can't

I threw myself down onto my bed inside the Tardis and breathed out. Oh god. Oh my god. What had I let myself attempt?

Earlier that day:

The Doctor dangled by one hand from the cliff side, about the thousand feet above a gigantic vat of lava. The aliens were wiped out. Amy was tied up behind me, but I could easily get her out of her captivity. I also had the ability to get us home with a teleport channel I'd discovered.

I stood above The Doctor, staring down at him authoritatively. He struggled to get a better grip on the rock that was about to detach and send him rocketing into the lava.

I didn't want to save him. What I wanted to do was watch him fall helplessly into a torturous death. His eyes locked with mine and I saw realization spread through his features.

"RUBY!" Amy screamed in horror from behind me. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

I didn't answer, but continued to savour the moment and debate what I should do. Maybe I should watch him die. Maybe I should help him.

Suddenly, he mouthed "for her". I knew what he meant. He wanted to live for Amy. She was his goal, not me. He got me there. Amy was my priority too. She always had been, always would be. She would be crushed if he died. Especially at my hands. She would probably never forgive me.

I knelt down and grabbed his chin brutally, letting my fingernails dig into the scars I caused in Venice. He squeezed his eyes shut in pain.

"For her," I hissed sharply. He nods in agreement. Suddenly I released his chin and caressed it softly, letting out a soft twinkle in my eye that obviously surprised him but I covered up as soon as he saw it. I still needed to make him fall in love with me, not just think I hated him. Which I did, but he needed to think there's more to my emotions toward him then that. Which there wasn't. And there never would be.

But still. If I killed him, I wouldn't have my revenge, either. I'd never get to make him feel the pain I did. Because roasting alive in lava barely amounted to half. Amy kept screaming at me to move over my pain and get on with life, and save him.

"YOU NEED TO MOVE ON, RUBY!" She shouted. "YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO! STOP HOLDING A GRUDGE FOR SOMETHING HE COULDN'T CONTROL!"

Of course. Because it was that easy, right? No. It wasn't. She had no idea how much I had been through. She probably never would. She thought I'd gone through just a bit more than she had. But in reality, I'd been beaten, raped, trampled, rejected, left behind, broken- the list goes on. She could never relate to that; I'd never let her be able to. No one was going to hurt her as long as I was around.

But as much as I loved Amy more than anything and anyone, she could never tell me to move on, because she had no clue how much I was hurting. No one did. Not a soul in the universe could possibly understand how badly I really actually wanted to jump into his arms. Don't be so surprised. He's my Raggedy Man. It's in my nature to run to him. But I couldn't allow myself that, because I couldn't forgive him for all that pain and horror until he humbled himself to my feet and begged. And that was what hurt me the most.

I stared at him in the eyes. "Hear that? That's the sound of her desperate for you to stay alive. If you turn out to be any different then what you say you are, I will slit your throat in your sleep and watch you bleed and die."

"RUBY, PLEASE!" Amy was sobbing now. "PLEASE JUST LET IT GO! PLEASE, PLEASE LET IT GO, RUBY!"

"Noted," The Doctor choked, winking slightly as he answered me. I nodded and grabbed his hand. I stood up and backed away from the edge of the cliff while holding both his hands, yanking him along as hard as I could.

He pulled himself the rest of the way up and staggered down on one knee, breathing heavily and looking up at me even though his head was mostly bowed like a predator that had been defeated and had no choice but to stand down and glare at their conquerors from a distance.

I smirked down at him before bolting to Amy's side. She had her eyes fixed on The Doctor, jerking her wrists as if trying to get free and run to him- which I'm sure was exactly what she was doing. I untied the knots and watched her scamper to his side. He stood up and wrapped his arms around her tightly, looking dazed and confused and like he never wanted to let her go again as she buried her face in his shoulder.

I felt a pang. Not because I was angry. Because I'd never felt someone who was capable of protecting me wrap me up and hold me like that. Amy had always had that from her aunt. I had too, but Miss Sharon, as much as she loved and cared about me, couldn't have protected me from the things I went through like she could for Amy. Amy's worst memory was probably dropping an ice cream cone at the fair we went to together once. Mine was probably the time my dad beat me until I was knocked out and I woke up in a pool of blood. As much as I adored Amy's supporters like aunt Sharon and Mels, they couldn't have made me feel safe from that. The Doctor, he could. That is, he could've.

I never once had someone make me feel less vulnerable to the cold world. Watching The Doctor nearly absorb my best friend made me wish he'd do the same for me. I touched my own forearms involuntarily, imagining someone hugging me. Then I mentally banged my brain against my skull.

Pull yourself together, Ruby Oakley! He left you!

The truth was I was dreaming as if he hadn't left me. If he hadn't, or at least come back before I was totally broken, maybe after seven years, or even ten, or maybe if he just hadn't left us a second time, I could've, maybe managed to let him in again after he proved himself worthy. I might even let him hug me and reassure me. But he hadn't. He'd waited until my whole life had shattered with no hope of repair. Now the best he could offer me was sweeping me away from all my problems. Which didn't fix a thing, it just let me run. Run from Jeff. Run from my lack-of-job. Run from the pain, the sting, the guilt. Run from the scars on my heart and body put there by my sorry excuse of a dad. Run from life. But running didn't repair the damage. And that's why he wasn't worthy.

So I was in no place to be wishing he'd hug me. If he did I might have a heart attack. Or I'd find away a way to give him one. One of those, more or less.

"Can we go?" I demanded. Neither of them looked up, just continued to cling to one another. I gave up and turned on my heel, walking away to go find the Tardis and wait for them by it. I did it so they could have their sweet, cliche little moment. I wiped my cheek quickly. Or maybe it was so no one world see the tears sliding down my cheeks that I couldn't stop. At that point, I just couldn't tell.

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~TheLivingParadox