I won't wait (BoyxBoy)

Chapter 31

I couldn't really sleep, my stomach was cramping and I felt very claustrophobic even though I had this room all to myself. Why? I'm not going to pretend that I don't know the answer to my wrong doings, but I wish that I had been more of an adult. Do I truly love him? Is all of this worth it?

It very rare that I find someone that I can really connect with and care about, but there has to be another one out there. I know for a fact that he doesn't love me, he may have some slight feelings, but they're not nearly as serious as mines. I fall fast, but it's also very rare that I do fall in love. Is this really love?

What even is love? There is so many classifications for it. It's too vague to put a definition on it. Google describes it as an intense feeling of deep affection or to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone). I know I feel both of those things, but is that really love? Most people say that you just know, but there's so much questioning. How do I just know? Love is so difficult and different for every person. As Charles du Bos said "Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so".

Yes, I have come to the conclusion that it is, but is love worth it? Emotional pain is not something that I like to go through, it's unbearable. I'll tell you what love is, a fucking disease, an infection that only hurts you when it's leaving. Maybe if I give up this pain will go away. I'm unhappy without him, but would I even be happy with him. Knowing that he wants Chad, my best- well my ex-best friend, could I even be happy with that?

Yes I could. As long as he wants me I could be happy with it all. I want him so badly, I'm prepared to do anything. I can't even help the silent tears that started to stream down my face. I'm such a fucking failure. Why, I will always ask why even if I know the answer. If only I could go back in time.

I could hear my bedroom door open and I didn't even put any effort into sitting up. I sighed already knowing who it was. "Yes mom?" I know what she's going to ask, and I don't even have the energy to lie. I'm sorry dad.

"Will you tell me now?"

I chuckled emotionlessly at the situation I've put myself in. "I fucked up Ma ... I really did" I said through my strained voice. "You're going to hate me".

"Don't say that, I could never hate you, you're my son". I sat up and looked into her eyes seeing so much compassion. I'm about to break her little heart, she's raised me better than this. I'm so sick.

I wish that I could make this sound better, but there's no way. "We technically weren't together, but we both knew that there was something between us". I sighed feeling the tears flood my face. How am I supposed to tell her? This is so bad, I don't want to see her hate me. "I-I". I took a deep breath trying to calm the tremble in my voice. "I cheated on him, and now, we aren't even talking". I could not even look at my mother. I already know the expression she will hold.

There's was a long pause of silence, and I could only imagine what was going through my mother's head right now. "I thought I taught you better". I was full blown sobbing, I hate to disappoint. "You are my son, and I still love you, but I do not love what you have done". I could hear her footsteps approaching me. "Look at me". I couldn't. "I said look at me, you better listen". I bit my lip and tried my hardest to look into her stone cold eyes.

"Why did you do it?" I looked away feeling ashamed of myself. Why, the ultimate question.

"I was jealous, and a fool. And now it doesn't even matter, because I've lost him. I've tried so hard to get him back, I've apologized, I've tried to show that I care, but I'm such a fuck up-"

"Don't say that!"

"But I am mom! Who does this? It's time I just give up, there's no getting him back". She sat on the bed next to me and stared at the wall.

"How much do you care about him?" I stayed silent, what would her response even be if I told her that I love him. I sighed and wiped my face with my hand. "I see". I looked up at her confused, not understanding. What does she see?

"I don't control you, but if I were you I wouldn't give up." Before she left the room she turned to say one last thing. "Your father never cheated on me, but we've had our rough times. You may have fucked up, but you're not a fuck up. Suck it up and fix it." She turned to leave but quickly turned back to face me. "Oh- and watch your language". I smiled feeling loved, and at home. I may not be home, but when I'm with my mom I'll always be at home. Because she's my mom and she is one good woman.