Imperfectly Perfect

Chapter 16 - With you, not him? Strange

Niall activates the GPRS of his car and rotates the steering wheel to hit the NH48 highway. Darkness has cast down on the city although some of the areas are high on spirits with people partying and enjoying Saturday night. Some working and a lot flickering streetlights are the only source of light on the roads. The weather continues to be very pleasant, making me take out my denims jacket from the bag and wear it. My hair is all messy from the cutting breeze, so I brush it using my fingers and tie with a hair band.

It's been more than 1 hour that Niall and I are on our way to the unplanned and strange weekend extravaganza, but we haven't uttered a single word. It's quite unusual considering I talk too much, and Niall never shuts up when he's with me. The heaviness of the situation has taken quite a toll on us.

When we stand behind a tiny traffic, I take a deep breath and turn to my right to catch a glimpse of Niall. His eyes are strictly focused on the road and his hands lie on the steering wheel. I notice that the first two buttons of his shirt are unbuttoned, which are revealing his blonde chest hairs. Although I've never ever been a fan of chest hairs somehow his ones appear very manly and handsome to me. His little developed biceps bulge from beneath the shirt sleeves as he taps on the car floor with his boots.

Taking in the images of him, I look outside to the city again, smiling on my own.

"I never liked Steven," I say, in the absence of my conscience.

Niall looks at me, but I keep my eyes outside.

"I thought I liked him, but actually I didn't. I liked the idea of being in love with him more than actually being in love with him," I clarify. "I've always been in love with the idea."

"Even with your first love?" Niall finally opens his mouth.

"No, not with him," I shake my head. "He was my first and only love until now. After he went, I couldn't manage to feel the same for anyone no matter how much I tried. I loved him, I loved him a lot."

I sniff and break my gaze from outside and stir on the seat, still not locking sight with Niall. He keeps staring at me though.

"You still love him?" he asks after a long time as the traffic clears up and we start moving again.

I pause for a few seconds, putting fingers in my mouth as my left elbow rests on the window sill.

"No, I don't," I retort and finally look in Niall's eyes. "I guess I'm in love with the idea now instead of being in love with him anymore." I laugh mildly.

"Does he have a girlfriend?"

I nod. "He does, and he plans to marry her by the time he is 28."

"Does that hurt you?"

I shrug. "It does," I say. "It does because he has moved on while I'm still there where he left me six years ago – alone. It's not that I want him to be my boyfriend again, but I just hope I found someone as well, so that we were both equal. So that....even I could've moved on, and become free finally," my voice breaks a bit and I sniff, looking away from Niall.

We don't speak for the next 10 minutes. I wonder why I even dragged this conversation. As we go deeper towards Chikmagalur, and outside Bangalore; narrow roads, woods and hills if not mountains catch my eyes. It's pitch dark around, and I can feel the eerie sensation in me.

"She committed suicide even before I told her that I love her," Niall says, out of the blue.

"Who?" I turn to look at him, shocked.